I'm feeling myself really latch on to this Minimalist concept. This surprises me, as i've always been very attached to my tat. Most categories of items in my possession I have many of; jewellery, makeup, scarves, clothes, shoes, trainers, jackets (!) art supplies...in absolute abundance. I look at it all with pleasure as it's a lovely collection i've built for years and there are many memories and values I hold to multiple pieces. But, when I look closer, there are many I hold onto for the sake of holding on to it. A lot of the time I keep hold of something as I don't want to throw it away as I spent money on it before, which I don't have so much of at the moment. But this is a silly thing to do. I don't want this to be a phase, where I donate/throw/sell things I feel cluttering up my mind to then buy it all again and find myself feeling sad again a few months down the line. But it hit me after that last designer haul I did purely on impulse, out of boredom or sadness or frustration, really was the last straw. It's embarrassing to be honest. Don't get me wrong, it could be a lot worse! But, it's a lot for what I have. It's not needed. Did it make me happy? Maybe a thrill after I got through the payment stage and awaited for it to arrive in the post.
'Buy less, choose wisely' keeps resounding in my head. I think I choose wisely but it's keeping the quantities down. Making 'wise' purchases every single week isn't really thinking these things through as much as I should. It's easy to fall into the trap, when you work somewhere that often has periods of calm, or in the hub of the capital where there are shops as far as the eye can see, pretty colours that I love tempting me in to buy their beautiful wares.
I suppose I make the connection that these things make me who I am. These cute trinkets and collectibles make anyone who enter my space instantly aware of who I am without me having to say anything. But I know pinning my personality on these items is daft - so if I were to loose them all (heaven forbid,) i'd then be nothing at all? Of course not. I suppose it's a sort of self expression, but one I've carried with me through student life and I'm not a student anymore. I'm a creative person, so in many ways it makes sense to me to keep hold of lots for future projects. But now I find I get home and my spaces are so crammed full of stuff I no longer want to create. All these things stump my creative flow, it panics me, weighs me down.
When I was at dad's over the weekend, I had a moment of pure sadness and worry. That I had goals and ambitions but they felt so far away. I felt resentment towards Chris, as I suddenly wanted it all right now and he wasn't giving it to me.
The thing is, I blame him for holding back what I desperately want. But actually, it's largely my fault. It's putting pressure on him and I know he's going to be more susceptible to seeing me making changes to my life, spending habits, accumulation of stuff, than me moping about on the brink of tears, trying to communicate these desires with emotions pouring out of me. He's a proactive guy and he is easily led by others. Why shouldn't I take the lead with this?
Who knows what this might open up, for both of us. Maybe nothing. Maybe it won't help 'us' at all. And well if that is the case, I know what I need to do...it's never too late.
But for now, instead of settling and assuming that he knows best and I have to just wait around, I actually want to do the very opposite. Because, isn't that what a mother would do? Isn't that what a woman would do? I still identify myself as a girl even, I struggle to give myself a grown up label. But that's got to change. If my mind-set changes, who knows what else might change and fall into place?
Today when I get home I'm going to search through all my drawers once again. Pull out everything I don't need or use. I'm then going to question whether I could sell it, or just straight up donate it. Once I start slowly making my way through everything, only then will I start to see progress being made...
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