I know I don't know nearly enough about it like I should, so I spent last night researching online and the more I read the more cold my body felt. I thought of Sally and pictured her smiling face in my mind and the difficult life she's had and I cried, she really doesn't deserve this. The physical pain she's endured over the past 3 years has really taken it's toll, perhaps it contributed to this, it's impossible to tell; the sleep deprivation, the waves of pain and discomfort, the boredom of having no job, the changing medications, the hospital visits, cancellations and let downs. I don't like to admit it, let along think it, but during the time i've known her, i've seen her change from a bright, busy, proactive woman to a frail, timid person. I picked up on her growing dependence on my dad, the constant texts throughout the day, the sort that would make him stop what he was doing and focus his full attention on his replies, the multiple phone calls from the early morning to before she went to bed, every single day. It's sweet and loving, I know dad has knowingly adapted the role because he cares for her and wants only the best for her. But I felt sad at their situation and how it had changed so much. It's complicated, because their relationship suited them both so well for the first few years. They both have their own lives, own hobbies, interests, friendship groups and work lives. They would see each other over the weekend, maybe an evening mid-week and that would be that. She has always wanted to live with dad but since mum left and they divorced, he's established his own routines and ways and the idea of adding someone new in the mix made him feel a bit apprehensive. He's a character, a wonderful character, and he understands that he's not the easiest person to live with, so they talked about it but it was in the future. Then they thought about buying a new house together with grandmer as well, which very nearly happened but it coincided with her accident at work and the focus after that was to get her well again and readdress it at a better time. I felt pleased that dad has his own busy life and how happy he was, seeing his brother on friday nights to play table tennis, going to see his best friend around the corner to play music a couple of nights a week, visiting friends, grandmer, spending his evenings reading, watching, filing, organizing, making and creating.
But the time of her betterness never really came around. There has always been something happen to knock them back a few paces. The past few months dad's done a lot of work on the house which is fantastic. He proudly tells me about how many books he's donated and how many video's he's thrown away and I feel so pleased for him, because once upon a time he would have found it incredibly difficult to get rid of anything. He's a collector of so many interesting things, his home is his haven of vast music collections, books, board games, magazines, it's amazing. Over the years his collections grew and grew and his floor space depleted but he didn't mind as it was mostly just him pottering around. After I had a word with him about the bathroom, and a dangerous shower situation which had been untouched for decades, he had the whole bathroom re-fitted and it seems to have completely changed his mind-set. To be honest, it's unbelievable. He's now setting himself the task of making the house a more pleasant place to live. I mean, it's always been pleasant, it's our childhood home and we'll always love it for what it is. But in truth, he rarely cleaned it and learnt to put up with the flaws and faults because it was easy and he could. I'm happy to see that he's making progress on turning things around because he's excited to start hosting again and enjoys the idea of painting it up and re-discovering lost passions and interests as he declutters the stacks and piles of stuff. I feel a tinge of sadness too, but it's win all round, it'll be better for his health for sure.
Last night he told me that he was thinking of inviting Sally to move in with him. The diagnosis has left him feeling that she's going to need support which is more than being on the end of the phone. I can't help but feel he might be under a bit of pressure from her children, who although I barely know (i've only met them both once,) have probably thought it weird that they don't already live together and now she might not be able to drive as well, it'll mean they'll see each other less and less. They both have their own independent lives and it seems that neither will be able to move her in. It makes sense, of course. But, it would be a big change for anyone, but for them both, especially after this news, it seems even bigger. It would have to be home too. At the moment it's dads house. And ultimately, dad's life would change dramatically. He would no longer be able to come and go as he pleased, he would have to be mindful of their different routines, how would it affect his work? He would eventually be her carer. Is he happy to take on that role? I mean, he was and still is the most fantastic father and has more care and love in his heart than anyone else I have ever met in my life. I know he'll want to do what's best for her and help her, because he's selfless and she loves him to bits. But it'll be so challenging and I don't want him to feel trapped. He is his own person, he can be stubborn too so I know that if he really isn't happy, he would say something. But, when you're in it deep and they've been together for as long as they have, there must be that underlying pressure to suggest it.
I realize that I'm going to need to be more of a support to dad over the next few weeks, I owe him this for all the support he's given me over...well, all my life. It's at times like this I wish I was closer to home. I plan on venturing back over the weekend to see him, my brother and his girlfriend will be there too. I was thinking about it before the news but when I learnt they'd made plans to visit I thought i'd leave them to it, as I like to catch up properly. But now I feel it'll be good to all get together to talk and touch base.
I'm seeing my brother this evening actually to go to a gig, my birthday present, which i'm looking forward to. We're having dinner before so it'll be a good chance to talk about it all just the two of us. I think that will make me feel a bit better about things.
The good thing in all of this is how positive both dad and Sally are being about this. 'We only have now' and 'life is change, this is life' are all phrases to frequent dad's chats, I know he'll take it in his stride but it will be tough and, there's so much uncertainty.
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