You can never have it all.
That's the resounding motto in my head today, as I sit, in bed, on a Saturday night at 9.30pm, overhearing revelers in the early twenties drink the night away. For the first time in a long time I feel the pang on envy as I listen to the guys shouting and laughing and the girls striding past my window in heals all glammed up for the night. Today, I wish I could be one of them, joining the night of noise, the sweaty clubs filled with that sweet smokey smell, the expensive drinks that come in small glasses...just, slip into the night and become another person. Because right now, I'm wondering what i'm doing and I don't know what to think. As much as you may want to, you can never have everything figured out. However on top of the game you feel, there will always be something that drops a giant turd in your path that you have to work your way around, or sometimes, through. Once again, as a common theme to most of my entries, i'm being dramatic because my day hasn't gone as planned, but it has left me feeling a familiar feeling of confusion, picturing a life on my own again.
We haven't been on the same page at all today, and it makes me feel sad. And you know, normally I would cry but today I just feel numb to it. I'm annoyed but I'm fed up at feeling annoyed, so I'm just keeping out of his way. The past week he's been so selfish, uncommunicative and unapproachable. And, it's the last point that really gets to me the most. Because, if I can't feel as though I can talk about how I feel, then I won't say it and then those feelings of love will fizzle away to frustration all masked behind gritted teeth. So, I try and talk about it but I hit a brick wall. The no eye-contact, the hands touching the face, the weak explanations. I'm trying to be open and honest, and I get a stroppy child moping about like he's been told he can't go and play outside with his friends. And all I wanted to know was what his plans were this weekend.
I just...don't know what to do. The thing is, the reason why he's been 'off' is apparent work stress, which is understandable I guess, and tomorrow (complete news to me,) he's going to visit his grandad who he hasn't seen for over 10 years and he's apprehensive about it. Okay, that's understandable too, just, why not tell me about it before? Why wait until I have to ask what we're doing, to find that oh, you've made plans all around yourself for the whole time. Now, I'm fine doing my own thing. But at least I could have expected it, or made my own arrangements. No, that would be far too straight forward.
I am fearful for our relationship. Now just because of today, of course, this has been building up for a while. But for what our future really holds. I try and have these grown up chats but it's always me initiating them and I know he's not even going to consider anything grown up until one of his friends gets on with it and my god, that's not even on the cards for any of them yet. Sometimes I think we're just unstoppable, that we have something so special that nobody else in the world could feel or experience. Then, other times I just feel like i'm going to be asking the same questions every six months to a bewildered face, to find that i'm nearly 40 with no house or no family of my own, to find that I had wasted my whole fucking time.
Everything is split evenly, but we're not paid the same - he earns more and he doesn't have to pay any travel expenses. The whole reason we moved here was for his job, and i'm out of pocket for it. What is this? It's been a year of this and I just...it's only dawning on my now what sort of idiot i've been taken for. It's my stupid pride getting in the way, 'oh, i've taken care of myself before' kinda attitude, not wanting to ask for help. Here I am hoping that he's saving it - but I have no idea, and I wouldn't be surprised to find that he isn't at all. So I'm going to hope that in a couple of years he'll turn to me and ask about house deposits, but I--

we talked about it. Perhaps now we'll be able to move forward...

I want to sleep.