Bittersweet memories

Back in drizzly blighty and it feels good to be back in that slightly chilly air where the sun doesn't quite reach through the yellowy grey clouds. It has been one of those weeks where I feel well and truly recharged. It was exactly what I needed, well what we both needed. Catching up with life-admin in a time-differenced head funk really does make me feel like reality is crashing back in on me again, but turning the key in our flat and walking into our home makes me feel very lucky indeed. I missed work and my usual routine and look forward to my normal rhythm to return so I can get back into being productive. All I want to do right now is paint and draw, but my eyes won't allow me to focus for more than a few moments without wanting to drop. This has been my first experience of long-haul flights and it's not a sensation I want to get used to, but it's worth going through just to tell yourself that yes, I can sit in a cramped corner for nearly 10 hours without standing. It is possible! It's funny how abstract time is up in the sky. You've no point of reference of the day slipping by, so it could be an hour that's gone by or 6. I like being far from the earth, and when we hit patches of turbulence and the cabin sighed in secession, I felt so calm. The thought even ran through my mind 'although it's small, there's a slight possibility that I might die. And i've made peace with that.' When we landed and I stretched in the foggy Gatwick morning air, I felt that fate still had something planned for me and it's not my time just yet. I know it's dramatic, completely out of proportion. But if that thought ever does cross my mind, i'm alright with it. If anything it makes me appreciate what follows all the more.

On the train back I hunted in my old email accounts for drafted email conversations I stole from my own phone to re-read at a later date. I thought today was that 'later date' to have a look through and to see them still there just brought it all back to me, as clear as a bell. I could almost smell the slightly damp, fragranted scent from the room I slept in that house I first rented when I came to London. I was right back in that stony cold room, there under those covers with only the light from my phone screen beaming up into my eyes as I sighed with excitement at our progressive correspondence. Although it's an area of my life I try to scoot around mentally as it was certainly something I shouldn't have done, I felt I needed to look over it again just to remind myself of it, to see if my memory has served me well and to confirm that what I thought when I saw him only a few days ago, was actually correct and it wasn't my mind over exaggerating a simple heated moment.
It was bitter sweet to read back. Again, it's something I shouldn't have done at all. It was certainly a lesson. But, it was a turning point for me and i'm glad that it happened. Word for word I scanned through the hehes, the oos and the awwws. Some images were saved from my thinner frame which kinda made me cringe a little inside to see, they shouldn't be saved really but at the same time, I think it's an interesting document from three years ago to see how i've changed now and, it's interesting to gadge my reaction to it which is almost no real reaction at all. It's very difficult to explain but going through it all again just put me back there and now that those years have passed, I'm happy with where I am now - which I would never have predicted. After I hit the publish button on this, I will search this very blog for his name and I know it'll bring back the most recent entries first, and it's important for me to read over the months where I was hanging on his every word and hating it. I know, deep deep down that although there's certain sexual chemistry there, I didn't feel any such chemistry in terms of our conversation, banter and anecdotes which lets be honest, makes up a good 80% of my personality! We clicked, but it wasn't satisfying me mentally - it really was 'purely physical' a phrase I never really understood until he came along. I need to remind myself of all of this as we arrange to meet next month. It might not even come about, especially as he's now with someone - perhaps she won't allow for it, which i'd understand. I doubt he's told her everything about me and certainly not about 'us' but I find it interesting how that on that night out they both talked about having their own independant lives, which is what works for them, completely fair enough. But in some ways, I liked to hear it because it's not surprising - I knew it all along, that's exactly what he wants. Someone to slot in the gaps when he has the time. I think one day he wants to live with someone, get married and all that, but I think he wants to enjoy his own space for a while longer. If she turned to me and said that they were buying a house together, they had a dog, they were all cooing and wrapped in each others embrace, I might have felt a bit shocked - perhaps upset, who knows. No, too much time has passed now. And when I come back to our space here and I look at where I am now in my life, i'm happy with it and wouldn't ever want to go back to all of that. Not again.
I was starting to worry that perhaps I get to this 3 year stage where my eyes start looking about for new sexual excitements - but I don't think that's the case. I think it's because before I wouldn't let my mind stop running riot and I'd go too much with the flow without thinking about the consequences and what those actions would really mean. I know what I really want in my life, and it's not a couple of evenings of passion with a peppering of awkwardness - no, it's a family. Acting upon previous impulses would take me further away from that than ever before.

So, it's been good to get home and clear out my head. It's also good for me to get typing again, i've missed this...