It will never be me

Today...oh today, please hurry up and finish. I want to be on that train, looking out of the window and let the relief wash over me. I have never been more tempted to email my old boss...I know it would be back to the old, same old same old but...it's familiar. Now, I want nothing more than familiarity. Please. I know it's not fair to right now, day 4 isn't enough, I know it should get better but now, I absolutely don't know what I'm doing. 

I know the deep end is the best way to learn to swim but so far I want to let myself sink. 

The tears filled my eyes but decreased just as quickly. In a mans office, I can't let myself get upset. Here I need to pretend that I'm equal. 

This area of the city is different, the caliber of people walking around is of a much higher class, I feel like I truly stick out. They walk straight through me. So important, so educated, such well fitted clothes - none of them walk with a stoop, they all have their heads held high, they don't move out of anybody's way when walking on the pavement.

It hasn't been the warmest of welcomes to be honest, but I suppose it could be a lot worse and I've certainly been through a lot worse. 

At the moment I'm just taking it one hour at a time. A day feels too long, it's too daunting a thought. 

Why...why am I here, why am I at this point, why can't I just...settle for where I am? I should never have left...

Will it ever feel as though it's fallen into place? I doubt it.