Another low point

I got home last night and as soon as I got through the door I just cried. The tears wouldn't stop, and even this morning I can feel them sting again. I'm trying so hard to be positive but it's incredibly difficult to pretend that everything's okay when really I'm desperate to be anywhere else. I'm so tired of being let down. Everybody is bluffing. Every job has just been full of false promise. I can't deny the vibes I feel and the red flags that have appeared, I already know how this is all going to pan out and I just want to get out as soon as possible.

I've just got to try my best and blag it for now. I hate doing that. 

I'm going to give it this week and see how I feel on Friday. If I feel as bad as I do now/ did last night, then I know what I need to do.

I emailed my old boss after I had calmed down. It was explaining what I'd recently been up to, mentioned how I miss the company and it's clients (I do,) and just put it out there that if an opportunity came along to join the team again I'd appreciate it. At least then I know and can stop thinking about it. It may well be that he ignores it completely, or that he emails saying how great everything is and no thanks. A previous colleague has informed me that my replacement is proving a bit troublesome but, that doesn't mean they'll do anything about it particularly.

I just...want to blend back in again, the familiar comforts please. 

Today I'm taking all the luck that I can and hope that I'll be able to get through it. The blood is running so loud through my ears, why is this part of the morning going so quickly? 

As dad mentioned last night, perhaps this place isn't for me and I've just had some bad luck recently with jobs. I've got to try and enjoy this part as much as possible and not let it spoil my free time which it has, because at the point I don't have a lot of responsibility and, I've not been there a week. I'm not being fair on myself to expect that I know it all already, and it's not all up to me - it will take some part of my manger to help too. If he's not willing to do that, well, what does he expect?

I need to slow down. 

My holiday is less than a month away now so I'm clinging on to that. I can still have a look around at other jobs and who knows, maybe my old job might come through. I can't put all my eggs in one basket of course, god, my mind is racing like crazy and I just...don't know what to do. 

I've...fucked everything up....