But for you, I'd do it all again

As usual, I'm here half an hour early. For some reason my body won't let me lie in the mornings, I have to be here as soon as I can. At least I get a moment to absorb the busy area, a new part of London I've not visited much before. The sun is out today and everyone is starting their Mondays. I don't feel sad but I do feel a bit, on-edge. I'm not sure what to expect, I'm not sure what is expected of me either. 

I know I'm going to do my best, try my hardest and hope that it'll all be okay. And if it's not, well, at least I know I've done all I can. The first month is always tough, I don't know what I can and can't do, don't know my bearings at all. I'm just looking forward to the last hour, waiting for the train home again. And it's at this time of the morning where the evenings are planned for everything exciting. But I know the reality is that I'll be too tired, I'll just want to eat and sleep.

Will we move back here? Perhaps one day we will. I love where we are now and it feels like the place I could stay for a long time, but it's not just about me. 

Sigh, fingers crossed this week will be kind to me. At least I can compare this to my most recent first week which was absolutely appalling, it can't be as bad as that surely. Well, I do hope not. But even though that really stunk, I really hated it, at least I got through it. 

I've given myself a social media ban, it only makes me feel sad whenever I check it. Ben and his girlfriend recently got engaged. This news didn't really make me feel sad as such, just, a little envious. They're good together and I'm happy for her as I know it's what she wants. Sometimes I think about moving home again and that lifestyle and wonder if it would be for me. I will always compare, I really don't want to. But it just seems so nice, straight forward, I'd be close to family and friends. I suppose I'd always have itchy feet, wherever I end up.

Maybe it'll be him, or perhaps he won't be able to make up his mind in time. I hope he will but that's something beyond my control. 

Sigh, mustn't let those Monday blues creep in too much, I need to power through today first before asking myself all the big questions.