What have I done

Haven't had much time to catch up on my thoughts, to sit and correlate all the pieces jumbled around my mind. The feel lost and confused, I wish I could get settled but it's proving difficult. I try to keep myself relatively sane but having a plan, a rough timeline of how long I should give this shit before bailing. But on days like today, I want to run away.

This was nothing like I thought it would be, the job itself appears easy but the rules and procedures are vague and everyone of management seem inaccessible. It has been a very frustrating period, i feel wasted just sitting there watching others do their job and in some cases, doing it badly. I can't say anything because I'm the 'new girl' and I can't seem to build my identity. I'm sat with fools because everyone else is relieved someone can take their place. So I sit, I try, but it's tiring pretending to give a damn. 

This is it though, this is the gamble, the risk you take when trying to start something new. Sometimes it doesn't work out the way you think it will. 

I've got to keep my head up and get on with things and try not to loose hope. Stick with the plan and try and get on. 

I might have an interview at a company in London, I know I shouldn't really go for it but it just sounds a better fit. It will mean commuting but right now I don't care about that. The pay will be better and I will have my own independence again which I crave at the moment...so much. 

But who knows, perhaps it won't come off.