It's okay to want more

It's not wrong to want more. 

Maybe things will all work out. But, maybe time will just zip right past me as it has done already and I'll suddenly find myself stagnant, 5 years down the line still in a space I feel an outsider in, trapped in a place where I cannot progress, I haven't spoken up - I haven't listened to myself and what I really wanted, I sold myself short. I'm continuing to do that, right now. This is a very real fear to me, one that feels that with every day I go by trying to put up with it, I'm moving further and further away from the life and independence I once had. 

Why can't it be simple? Why don't I know... 

*

As always, home gives me time to think about the things I usually don't have time to contemplate. And as soon as these thoughts hit me, I realise why I block them out. The scary shit starts rushing in.

Taking a new job is so easy, as soon as you leave the old position and all the old problems and complications, anything new looks so refreshing. You don't see any imperfections because it's all so new, you're taking in so much information, there's no time for observing the quirks, the frustrations the staff share. But soon, as the dust settles, it starts to make sense. And then you start to think about what it is you've done and how much you've left behind. I don't think I regret that I left my last job, because I wanted to leave there for a long time. But, I do think about what I had then and where I am now....

I was happy to talk to mum when I saw her yesterday and it was nice to talk freely about my thoughts and concerns as the warm sunny day turned to dusky evening. She told me how it was and reminded me what I had done, which was basically a move to support my partner. 'You've got to have something. A career, a hobby or a family - you've got to have a project to work on!' And it's true 'he has the job, you're helping him achieve that, what have you got?' 

She didn't mean it so plainly of course but when you turn out the facts, what do I really have? I certainly don't have a career, it's a complete mess. I've no artistic projects on the go, my innovation has completely vanished, and I don't have a family :( and I want one of those above the other things, because it would encompass the job and art. 

But, goodness only knows when that'll happen. When he's ready, that's when. That could be...many, many years. Or when one of his friends does it first, then he might consider it. I don't know. Talking made me feel better, but it also made me feel low. I've completely undersold myself at this new job, and by accepting it makes me on the same level as them. I hate feeling that. I don't mean to sound disrespectful, they're not bad people, but it's...very basic. I feel trapped already and it's not even been two months. 

What have I done?

My independence has completely gone and with it, my merit. I quickly realised that in this workplace, you get noticed by buddying up to managers, trying to muscle in the meetings, start rumours about promotions, talk loudly about your accomplishments...and the saddest part is, management seem to like it. They seem to respond to it. And I just can't do that, I can't change my personality to try and get further - and even if I did, the next rung up wouldn't make me happy - none of it would.

I just want to leave. One week notice, up, leave. Have a mini holiday all to myself, oh what a wonderful feeling. 

But of I can't do that, it's not at all sensible. The time I do that, will be the last time I ever hear anything from any recruiter, any site, anything worth applying to. And that would put a strain on my relationship, he wouldn't want to support me being jobless, which would be fair enough. 

I've got to try and look at the positives while I'm there, but it's going to be very tough. It's difficult to find anything apart from being able to walk to and from work. That's not really enough.

It's not wrong to want more. 

But asking these questions again is frightening because it's all hinges on someone else and he's not there yet, he wants those things one day but when it suits him. I tell myself that when he gets that job promotion he might feel comfortable enough to contemplate it but, it'll be in his own time. 

I guess that's fair enough, but it can't all be up to him. 

Would I leave him for someone else, so I could maybe have one sooner? I haven't really thought about it. But, if I want something enough, then, well. People who want something, who have their heart set on a dream, an ambition, they'll do what they need to do to get it....I'll have to see how things are at the end of the year.