Social anxiety

I had a social weekend which completely zapped me of all my energy and I'm continuing to suffer the consequences today and am likely to the rest of the week. It saddens me so much, I love to see people and I'm longing to make new friends but when I do, I am literally wiped out. It never used to be like this, is it because I'm so out of practice? Is it because I try far too hard? I thought I was just being myself but in actual fact it takes a hell of a lot more out of me than I ever realised. 

I thought I hadn't experienced notable anxiety for a a month or two but it seemed that the rare 'off' time I had for a long time really got to me. I would never have predicted this. 

Maybe these aren't people I feel I can be myself around...yes, perhaps that would be fair to say. It's tricky to avoid though and if I do avoid then I have no social interaction at all, and that can't be good. 

I crank it up so much, so much smiling, laughing, giggling, questioning - I drive myself nuts but I can't seem to stop myself from chattering away, such inability to relax and let go - heck everyone around me seems to. 

This happens when I see family as well though, I feel as though I need to make everyone feel happy, I take it upon myself to iron out any creases in conversation or fill awkward silences with basic observations. Bedtime comes and I'm out solidly until morning where I'm still so tired. 

My glands are swollen, my body aches, I've a dull headache and a constant thirst for water and when I drink it's bottomless. Just, take my batteries out for goodness sake. 

I hope this new job will do me good in that sense. Maybe I will feel at peace for a while, 'lord knows it'll be the first time.'

I feel like the only people who truly understands me at the moment is Morrisey. Without wanting to sound too teenagery, his words just fit in the spaces I need to fill. 

Monday is soon and my final days I can count up on my one hand. It's surreal and I don't truly feel I'll believe it until I've started at the new place. I'm excited to take on a new challenge but the idea of being 'the new girl' once again fills me with dread. 

It's a stepping stone, I need to think of it like that. Even if this doesn't work out, at least it's got me away from somewhere I've been wanting to leave for many months. 

It's already starting on a positive! Surely...