Ah I tried today, I tried to put a positive spin on a sunny morning despite the flatlining feeling approaching the work front door. But in a couple of hours it succeeds in zapping it from within me. I feel like a shapeless lump, slumped in my chair, staring at the screen in search for enjoyment. I eat crappy foods and buy expensive things online for temporary thrills. I feel misguided and trapped. This morning I did anticipate a drop in my mood as it does so often when i'm in this environment so I thought i'd dress in something that I'd like. But when I wondered about at lunchtime just to see what trends were about in store windows I just felt I looked so...tired. Everything looks so careworn and I look like a granny with a teenager's haircut and choice of make-up. I realise that I try and hide under layers and beneath scarves in the hope that I can blend in and not be noticed. But the sad thing is, I love it when I am noticed. So, why don't I try and dress a little bit more like my age? I'm 26 for goodness sake, not 46! But if I ever try I feel I get the looks of 'poor, confused little art-student girl' in the office and I just feel silently judged.
I've read in the pages of vogue (which I never buy, I only find lying about the place) that fashion should be 'fun!' and 'be about you!' - 'dress how you truly feel!' but when it comes down to it, I just feel so jumbled up. But then, maybe I should just go nuts. Wear those dresses I love but have only been hung in my cupboard, paired with brightly coloured earrings and printed scarves. Why the fuck not!? They're mine after all, and without wanting to sound vain, I am proud of my collection. It's funny how a little inspiration goes a long way and yet when it stops, that's it. I reach for the same, mismatched black pieces that shrunk a little more as they are washed.
Just...really need some good news.
I dream of this new job, please, whisk me away from here...
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