stunted

Am I happy? I don't really know anymore. I suppose by asking that question must mean something's up. No amount of colourful makeup or designer clothes can mask the fact that I'm not satisfied with where my life is heading. Sure, it could be worse, 'at least you have a job' yeah, I do. But what does that really mean? At the end of each month considering all outgoings I'm hardly left with anything. I suppose most people aren't. But doing something I've begun to really, really resent...it seems insulting. Hey, join the club, I'm sure about 95% of the worlds population would agree they were in the same boat. I know this. But I don't find comfort in these realities anymore. They used to help get me by but now, it feels like a useless comparison. I really need to leave this place, I can't stand the stale environment, the bitterness on the air, the laziness, the lack of passion. Everyone I know in that office has given up. And I worry that by being there means that I'm slowly joining them. 

 

I would love to escape, run away from everything. Even my relationship at times feels a bit, one sided? Oh I don't know, these hormones are tainting my interpretations. But I don't feel I can honestly, truly talk to Chris about these things because he's very different to me in the way that he deals with things. He always has answers but they're not always very well considered. It saddens me to learn that there is a side to me that he will never know about. He won't ask and if I try and open up it will go without answer. I can't force him to take an interest but sometimes I feel sad that it mostly goes untouched. I suppose that's why I get the urge to meet new people every now and then. Because sometimes, during that 'getting to know each other' time, it makes an appearance and it feels so good. It feels natural. 

I wish I knew where I was going. I know what I want but I'm waiting for someone else to be ready could take an indefinite amount of time and, it weighs me down. A lot. Sometimes, I'm not sure how long I can take it. 

I'm out of the office now, maybe I'll take a long detour back. Shame this is the most boring part of London. Unless I want expensive food or coffee... 

I need to take back control of my life. I sound like I'm 40 years old in the middle of some sort of crisis. I'm supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, but I just can't see that far ahead. Stunted. 

I miss walks by the sea. I miss my family. I miss being young and carefree. I miss doing art every day. I miss the times where less gave me more. I miss the old me.