Interview tomorrow. I feel a little mixed about it to be honest, I'm excited by the prospect but suddenly thrown outside of my comfort zone. What if it's awful? A horrible experience? I know it would help me rule it out easily if that were the case, but I fear it would knock my confidence and faith in ever finding anything new. The two positions I felt really good about and got put forward for, were both filled before I had the chance to be interviewed. I suppose it just wasn't meant to be. At least I was considered for them, it has to be said that this round of applying has been the best ever in terms of responses from my CV, which is refreshing.
It's such a strange limbo, the looking job-searching. I can see why people spend years and year of their lives at places they can't stand. Although it's uncertain, it's good to change things up a bit and I know that it is exactly what I need. Why is it that when you're in a place, all you can think about is leaving. And when the prospect of leaving is dangled in front of your eyes, your current place suddenly looks more appealing? As soon as I learnt that an interview was on the cards, I walked down this street and looked up at the familiar buildings and thought 'ah, this isn't so bad,' and I felt my heart jump a little bit. Everything looked rosy again. I've been on this street over 3 years now, which is the longest I've ever worked anywhere. It will be very strange being somewhere new. I said this to dad last night who was interested in my latest news. I mentioned how I feel like any realistic position after this one would be a bit of a step down from here, on paper. But - not for me, but to other people. When people ask about where I work, they're always impressed but I don't feel that way myself. I almost feel a little embarrassed by it which is...confusing, i'm not sure why that is exactly. It's the sort of thing people would sing and dance about but I can't knowing all the things I know from being on the inside. It's just not me. Am I happy here? No. And 2 and a half years have already flashed before my eyes, before this very screen. Dad mentioned that the time you put in working at a company is important if it's working towards something, towards some sort of progression. But if they're just using every ounce of you for every tedious job they're too lazy to carry out themselves, it's almost a wasted investment of time. In many ways this place is a dead end, and I know now is the time to escape.
But anywhere I go which is more local to where I live is a lot less glamorous than here, I know that. So this company I'm going to tomorrow is very different from what i'm used to, but that's okay. It's a pharmaceutical company only 10 mins away by train and not far off what i'm on now pay-wise for a similar sort of role. I shouldn't be too outside my comfort zone when i'm there but I hope I don't get too nervous! I'm curious about them and what they do, and whatever happens it'll be good practice for me.
I've another potential interview for a company that would be a walk away from my door but it's a showroom type of place for designer radiators and...I just can't get excited by that at all, so i'm putting it off a bit. I don't mean to be choosy but then again, I know it would drive me crackers - visions of my standing around aimlessly when on my placement in Dewsbury - it all came flashing back to me. The smiles at Chris, then café, ah, those times. They weren't bad times, but goodness me that showroom was such a killer. I can't really do that again.
In other news, I learnt a little bit about a person from my past; Lee. As I was on my phone at lunch, his name and profile picture popped up and I couldn't help myself but take a peek. I knew he had deleted himself a few months ago, so to see him reappear was no surprise but I wondered what he was up to. He only had a couple of photos, and I prepared for tingles at the sight of his face but to be honest, he looked a bit sad. His most recent post was a link to a blog that I didn't know he had, entitled 'planning for a future I might not have' - I found myself reading through it with curiosity. He addressed the fact that for the last two or more years, he hadn't been very well; anxiety, depression, bi-polar were dragging him down and had recently caused him to loose his sense of balance and become shaky - a possible reaction to his medication. That's when the tingles hit - but of the sympathetic kind. He said he wouldn't be able to get through it all without the help of his girl, family, and a select handful of friends. He announced he was moving back to his hometown with her for extra support, which I think will be good for him.
I looked at him picture once again and tried to search those eyes, and hoped that in some way he could sense that I wished him all the best. It was absolutely for the better that we never progressed forward into a relationship, we enjoyed the time we had which was passionate and fleeting. He was the first 'type' of person I'd ever encountered and I will still recall our first date as one of the best ones I've ever had. But to hear about his deteriorating health was also not much of a surprise to me, knowing the very little that I picked up when we were in each others company; buying strange drugs off the deep web he self-prescribed to help with his condition, the smoking, the weed, the housemates, the jobs he left, the crazes of cutting everything out to then the crazes of starting everything back up again - of course it will take it's toll eventually, it's caught up with him. The welsh hills and air will do him good, he needs other's to help him back on his feet again, the London life is ravenous - any detection of weakness and it pounces on it in an instant. When I met him I had just started working here, so it feels a little cyclical. I suppose this place reminds me of him sometimes and I wonder if he still thinks about me. But there's no use 'going there,' I wouldn't change a thing, I feel very fortunate where I am now with Chris, I love what we have.
I wonder what the future has in store for him and I. I hope we continue going from strength to strength.
In other, other news...three days late. Apparently, anyway, I'm never 100% sure on my timings even with a tracker app. I feel a bit weird bodily but then, it's probably just gearing up for the time of the month. Not sure why I am late though, it's not happened like this before, I'll just have to keep an eye on it I suppose!
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