On the train back from a weekend at home. It's been so nice, but it also stirred up a few emotions which I wasn't really expecting. Leaving the cocoon of home after any amount of time, a day or month, makes me feel a bit sad. I'm faced with the 'what am I really going back to?' questions and a bit of me wants to stay and forget about my current life altogether. It's not the bigger bit of me of course, I'm not that uncomfortable in my current situation to suddenly leave but, the evening draws in and these platforms are cold. They're familiar and take me back to all the times I found myself there before. Going back to Cambridge, London, Uni? I'd love to see these silhouettes as I waited, how have we changed if at all.
At dads yesterday i had a moment to look through some old things, possibly to throw things away, possibly to sell, just to see what I'd forgotten about. I found myself at the bottom of a bag and an old wallet appeared in my hands, so I thought I'd look inside (knowing they'd only be loose change) and there was, but there was also old receipts and cards. Nestled within them was a hand-written letter, two actually, in dark navy blue fountain pen ink with neat little words. He came flooding back to me, I asked myself if I was strong enough to read what followed, but it was too late, I was already recalling and reaching for the next sentence. An anniversary letter telling me how he didn't know where he was going with the letter, he just hoped it would make sense and come together in the end - and it did, it always did. He always had a wonderful way with words. He summed me up so perfectly, so beautifully, like poetry. My heart sank as I read 'I know I can be difficult. I know I can be sad.' And it tugged even more when he said 'but not for long when I'm with you, never would I have thought I'd find a human just like you.' It stunned me. I will never discard this letter, I will take it with me wherever I go, until I grow old, because I don't ever want to forget the way he loved me and the wonderful relationship that we had. I miss him so much, but I know we weren't right together. A lot was learnt, I doubt I'll ever hurt as much again, i still feel haunted by our memories. I'm happy now and love what me and Chris have, but it won't ever be the same, possibly not even close. But our togetherness is of a different kind. It's almost another kind of love. I've come to accept this now, after many years that old love will still be within me because it truly completed me. I will always hope that one day we will meet again and perhaps even be friends. It will be my secret of course, and a guilt I will never unburden. But I feel lucky to have had it, to have known him, to have celebrated it, and still want my dreams to be our meeting place where we both just 'be' for a while.
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