Just for show

It's been a painfully slow day today in the office, it's usual for this time of year. When lunchtime finally came around, I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I had to get away, so I went to my favourite bookstore on Piccadilly and skimmed through many colourful pages for inspiration, it is such a delight. It's a bustle of action on the ground floor, lots of tourists looking for gifts and locals popping in for their next read, but as you venture up to the third and forth floors, it becomes gradually peaceful and still. I truly feel calm there, in those twenty minuets or so just eyeing up each spine, wondering whether it's worth picking up.

It's easy to feel pretty bemused, seeing all these bright, vibrant pages of wonderful works and ideas of all these individuals trying to 'make it.' I hope they sell well but perhaps they blend in with the others I tend to look over without thought. How do some artists, designers and photographers hit the big time, whereas others, equally talented if not more so, never even get close to the limelight? I worry that the era for edgy fashion designers and brand names has peaked, with so much talent out there now and so many new places to showcase work (online,) all worthy of attention, it's as if it just can't be handled. People can't process it, or they look to what is already established to compare. I feel my head lower as I try and imagine my works in a nicely compiled book, but my self-criticism stops me from seeing it on the shelves. Is there space for another artist in this overgrown world of creatives? Is there room for another girl just doing what so many others are doing...and better? I want to believe it, I mean, why not? I fear I'm not putting myself out there as much as I should. Need money to be taken seriously, need to make money to have the money, need the time to create the artwork and have no time because of making money...it's an endless loop. I'm sure when I next look at my watch I'll be 45 still thinking about what project to work on next. Ah, I don't wear a watch, perhaps there is still hope for me then.

 

I've been at the set of crossroads for a while now, just looking back up and down each street wondering which route to take next. Do I want to make money? Do I want children? Do I want to attempt an artistic career? Those seem to be my options at the moment.

Money has and never will be a motivator for me. My happiness is not pinned on it. Stress certainly is, it's nice to feel comfortable but I don't have grand plans to earn a six figure salary. I dearly want children, this desire will never leave me. I know it's possible to try in ones mid - late thirties but I don't think I can wait until then. Sometimes I believe that they will be my big creative project, and I will focus all my energy onto them to help them establish and achieve their own dreams and ambitions. I want to attempt my artistic career, work in a bonny little coffee shop or restaurant to help pay for art supplies, I know I would be truly happy doing that. The only thing stopping me from that life is Chris. He says I can do whatever I want, i'm an adult, he's not going to tell me what to do n' all that. But, if I were to, I fear he'd resent me for it. I'd be doing something so different to what he knows, none of his friends or family do anything of the sort. I know he'd see it as a real step down, a lot 'lower class' you could say. I have responsibilities now too, to pay rent, save for things, go on holidays...I wouldn't be able to do that with the same level of ease as I do now. But here, as I am now, I'm not sure I could call it 'ease.' It's stressful and very expensive.

 

Honestly, I feel as though what i'm doing now is only for show. It's for other people. It's not for me.

 

Isn't life to short to be doing this? Seriously? 

I feel lucky that I know my parents would support me if that was the case. I mean, I did do it before when I was in Cambridge. But then, that was a bit of a struggle at times. I was younger, though.

Perhaps I should attempt drawing up a new CV and take a little look around for hospitality based work...just to see what's out there, see what my chances are...