Wrecked and dazed

Feel a little bit dazed this morning, just can't seem to get my head into gear even after drinking coffee. Maybe I should nurse another mug of the stuff, it may leave me feeling rattled instead.

It's the Monday funk - the blues I can't really shift. I want to get out, get away. I'm fed up of feeling fed up...has it been a year of this? Wanting to leave? Possibly, perhaps even longer. I can't keep moaning on about the same old story, same old situation. I need to change it, but why am I delaying? I feel as though I have no time to make the enormous changes that I need to on my CV, but I've been saying that excuse to myself for so long now. I need to chip away at it regardless. I know this.

I know that as soon as I break into it, the motivation will spring forward almost straight away. I'm almost scared to approach it, though. It's just easier to sit back and roll with the routine and ignore the fact that I hate it. I try and shake it up with other changes; trips to the gym, dying my hair different colours - all of these things are just distractions from the fact that really, i'm stressed out which works me up into a mess. My body feels the repercussions which burns me out, which then knocks onto my relationships with friends, family and of course Chris. Feel embarrassed to be intimate, feel frustrated that i'm not the way I used to be back when we first met. I've got to stop blaming myself, he certainly isn't making me feel bad about it. But I do, I just can't seem to cut myself some slack when I know I need to. 

I feel like I need a holiday. A week straight of just lounging in my comfies, getting a big duvet and painting indoors while it rains outside. Sadly though, life takes president. And I need to be social. I wonder where the social limb in my body went to? When did it become such an effort? 

I got tearful the last time I spoke about this because I felt so ashamed, I feel so out of practice with everything these days. I feel as though i'm so out of the loop.

 

I need to stop moaning and just...doing something about it.