Well, here we are. 2017 is now upon us, three days in already. I have a funny feeling that this year will also fly by as the previous did without caution.
I feel a lot better than I did in my final entry last year (feels so strange saying that!) I let a lot of negative stuff build up inside and I just let it swell up inside and it really weighed me down. After that weird inbetween section of the year where Christmas is over but the new year is building and nobody knows what day it is, I went in to work for a very calm couple of days. It was here that I caught up on some thinking and it was where I wrote my letter to him, in response to the conversation we had which had left a bit of sour taste. I wanted to leave it be, but I knew that I still had so much that I wanted to say. I feared that he had closed it all down on his terms but the negative thoughts still surrounded it in his mind, and I felt that the longer I left it, the longer it would take me to address it again - if I ever brought myself to. I didn't want to fear bringing anything up with him, it's not the way we usually go about doing things, I didn't want it to start now. I was scared of upsetting him again, but I knew that in a letter I could get everything out that I wanted to without being interrupted or breaking down.
This is what I wrote;
I wanted to write you a letter. Getting the words down onto paper helps me make better sense of things without my mind going blank when trying to voice them, I hope you don’t mind.
I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation that we had the other day. Although it was pretty heavy going and serious, I’m glad we had it. In many ways I wanted to leave it as it was, to perhaps return to in another year or so, but I feel it would be unjust of me to hold back from the words I couldn’t find at the time. When I find myself talking about something that isn’t exactly comfortable, my mind tends to shut down as I am hit with a surge of adrenalin and I am unable to move the conversation along any more. I can only listen and comfort (thankfully this isn’t something that either of us have experienced much during out time together!)
I don’t want to feel afraid of bringing up a topic conversation with you and I know that if I keep this bottled up, it could become one of those fears.
I suppose it’s fair to say that I’m still processing a lot of what we said, (and perhaps you are to.) I didn’t want to startle you, or cause any upset but then I understand that it did come out a little left field. Talking about the future can be quite scary but it’s important to do. Thinking further ahead with you is so easy for me to do, because you mean everything to me and what we have is wonderful. It’s easy to stay within the comfort zone but I take our relationship seriously and realise that in order to see if we’re on the same page, it needs to be done sometimes. But I hope you appreciate that it isn’t my intention to scare you or apply any pressure, merely to just get these things out into the open.
We were both pretty open from the get go that we wanted children one day, I remember spying it on your POF profile and feeling happy that it was another thing we had in common. (I understand that this opinion can change of course.) I enjoy that is something that we talk about still and hope we continue to do so. But it’s difficult to explain, this strong desire of mine! I’ve known it ever since I began my adult life – I can only describe it as like it being a part of my soul. And as soon as I connected with you, that feeling really took hold of me deeply. With every month that goes by, I feel we get closer and stronger than ever before. As we move along, into new jobs, new living situations, experiencing new things, well I suppose I let that part of me get a little out of control. Maybe I should have thought twice and let time do its thing, I don’t know.
When we talked about it, I was expecting all these well thought out points to come out of my mouth but they didn’t and now I worry that I’ve left the final thoughts lingering in the back of your mind negatively. I can’t deny that at the time I did feel upset, but it was more at myself and my lack of planning. I’ve let it all sink in now.
I recognise that you were reacting to all of this as you do with every situation; rationally, sensibly and with maturity. Now I realise that, of course you don’t feel ready now – we’re both still reeling from the most expensive few months of our lives! (double rent for two months, a deposit that was considerably more than the previous, furnishing a new flat, Birthday’s, Christmases, new work commutes.) We’ve only just moved into a nice new flat and are still settling in, on top of you recently starting a new job, I fully appreciate that. But all these things are on the up now – they will get better.
Basically, the main point of this letter was for me to address a few of the points you brought up when we spoke, with some of my reflective thoughts I was unable to voice at the time. I want to stress that this is just me trying to balance it all out, not wanting to make you feel pressurized or worried or anything. Ideally I’d like it to be something you can think about and bring up again at a later date, if you like.
Financial Concerns
Your concern
- Not feeling ready financially; no savings, recovering from an expensive period, generally feeling uneasy about the current state of our finances. You made it clear that you are unable to give a timeline of when you’ll feel this will be better, or an amount that would help make you feel more secure.
My thoughts
I fully understand all of your concerns, but especially this one which comes out on top of the list. There is no denying that this is a big deal. It is difficult to predict what will happen in the future, especially when there’s recently been a lot of new things going on and we don’t have a pattern to go by. But here are my thoughts;
- We are a team. – We are both earning in stable jobs/professions, we both have strong work ethics. We could draw up a table of both of our incomings and outgoings, I don’t think it would be as bad as you think. We could always speak to a financial advisor (it would be confidential and I know Dad has contacts through work.)
- We can always make more money. – It’s just that I don’t have the luxury of time.
- We will always have help. – From the government and from our families.
- How much is enough? – Potentially, there will never be a right time financially.
- How much money do you need to feel secure? – Like, could it be an actual amount? We could work out a plan to save to that amount. Or is it more the security of seeing the same sum hit our accounts each month?
Living Situation
Your concern
- Not owning your own property. Not having a lot of space/garden/car etc.
My thoughts
Another completely fair point which is also an ambition of mine, I agree that space is important. However;
- Babies don’t require a lot of space to start off with. – Of course they do as they start walking etc 3 or 4 years down the line, but that’s still time that can spent saving and finding a home.
- More financial help is available if you rent, you are also more secure than if you own. - In terms of financial difficulties.
- We can lay out our plans on what we’re doing regarding working towards a mortgage – how much we need to save and how long for, to work out a timescale.
- My family have said that when we find the right home, they will help us find the deposit. – Again, I’m not saying this to add any sort of pressure! Just making you aware of it/relieve a bit of stress
Owning a property could take a long time to fulfil if we don’t actively take steps to plan and save, but I know you know this. Is this an essential requirement for you, or could there be movement on this?
Not Feeling Ready
Your concern
- Not feeling as though you’re ready yet, not feeling paternal, and haven’t felt as though you’ve been able to enjoy time together as ‘us’ yet.
My thoughts
This is another very fair point, and one which I can’t list as well as the other points because this is a lot more personal to you. Only you will know when you feel ready and that’s definitely not something that should be rushed. I of course, love ‘us’ time.
But, I hope you can appreciate that as a lady, I do have a bit of a timeline. I know we have talked a bit about this before, but ideally I really would like to have one before I’m 30. This is because I’m at my healthiest and at less risk to problems and complications later down the line. Many women wait until they’ve got the right sort of relationship, a home that’s theirs, that’s big enough, near the right school, has a job with the right flexibility…and by then they’re in their late 30’s and the way forward is fertility treatment (expensive, traumatic, potentially ineffective) or adoption (traumatic and also potentially ineffective.) I hope you read this as intentioned though; me just sharing my own fears.
Side note/can of worms; Where does marriage fit in for you, if at all? – I know that we bring it up every now and then, but would it be something that you’d want to do before thinking about children?
Travel
Your concern
- Wanting to see more of the world.
My thoughts
- How much travel is ‘enough’? – I worry that this possible condition could take years or never be fully accomplished at all.
Of course the freedom of travel becomes harder with a little one, even with our family around to help watch them but it’s not impossible. The way I see it, is that the world will still be there for us to explore a few years down the line, and once they become older and more independent we will still be relatively young and have more money available to go on bigger trips and such (as a family and independently.)
However, where are some top destinations you want to go to? Perhaps we could make plans to visit these places and cross them off the list in the next year or two as you and me?
WHY AM I WRITING THIS TO YOU NOW?
I am writing this to you now, as my reaction to our conversation and some of points that were raised at the time which I’ve allowed to process a little bit. This is by no means an ‘Act Now!’ card, but a ‘let it peculate’ one, which I hope we will be able to talk about again a little later down the line.
I know we are young. I am also very aware that we haven’t even been together for very long, in the grand scheme of things. But, what we have now…I find difficult to put into words. You are my best friend; I’d even go as far as to say ‘Soulmate’ and I’ve never felt as close to you as I have to anyone in my life before.
So, I want to give this to you now to hopefully comfort you and make all of this seem less scary. To plant the seed so we can start to talk about our future and come up with some rough plans. And if for whatever reason they don’t come to flouriton, at least we have both laid our cards on the table, do you not think?
*
I ended it with a nice bit about loving what we have now, how I want to build a future with him, etc. It really is...quite the beast! about 5 pages when I wrote it all down, my goodness. The biggest of it's kind! It felt pleasing to have it, put it in an envelope and carry it around with me. I didn't know when I was going to present it to him, but I felt glad that I had it just in case. I wondered whether to put it in his bag before he went away for a few days (for work,) but in the end I didn't end up giving it to him. And, i'm very pleased that it happened this way!
We saw New Years eve in with my brother and his girlfriend. We played games that turned into drinking games, we got merry and danced around the flat and shouted 'Happy New Year' to folks that walked by in an almost teenage drunkenness. It was great! 3am we saw the pillow at last and it was then as me and Chris chatted that before we drifted to sleep, that I had a letter for him and we fell into dreams. The next day Robs and Kev came up to visit which was also great fun, we entertained, drank tea and took lots of photos, just like the old days! I talked a little to her about the chat we had and she comforted me saying that it's probably a talk I need to have again.
After they left in the early evening, we ate and played games and it was there that I told him about the letter again. He reacted a little worried, went quiet and a bit cold. He said that we was nervous, because 'what couldn't I tell him that meant I had to write it down?' and he feared the absolute worst. I then realised that of course, a letter wouldn't be wise in this case, it was a situation that needed to be hit head on. So we talked again. And this time, it went so much better. I felt a wave of relief wash over me as we discussed timescales and our worries. It felt so good to hear that he said what he did at the time because he was tired, a bit drunk and reacting to the situation in shock. He realised that it was a bit negative and understood why I wanted to bring it up again, which I was so happy to hear. He went on to say that as soon as he gets together a plan for his finances, he'll feel so much better and more relaxed about things. He says once that's sorted and he feels happier about the state of things and are on our way to saving for a deposit, he'd be willing to settle down and get into 'daddy mode' as he put it hehe. He wants to get on with things as soon as possible in that respect, which comforted me after I shared my worries of waiting until my 30's. Of course, all of that is completely understandable. We even talked a little bit about marriage as well!
We both agreed that these chats needed to be had, especially when we take things seriously and want to know what's on the cards, and if we share the same visions. He also told me that although there's nothing wrong with writing a letter, he much preferred to talk about it - as we usually do. So, I have taken note. I suppose the letter was more for me than it was for him.
It's all a part of the learning curve. I felt pleased that the worries have now been lifted from my shoulders, it felt like a good way to start the year. I don't think anything will be changing any time soon, but that's okay. At least we have talked about it and know what we both want.
I suppose this year is going to be about saving!
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