"I made my baby cry..."
Joni resonates too well with me the past couple of days, and i'm afraid this entry is going to continue on the same, dreary road it's been going along as of late. I'd love to talk about something positive but my mind draws a blank today, I'm so used to it, my heart no longer sinks. It feels typical. I'm starting to get used to bad luck and shit news.
Hormone fuelled disappointment.
These two weeks have been such a mad, expensive rush and although accurate I do feel guilty admitting this. I have longer for that child like dragging of time, the days you count that seem so far apart, opening up picture windows waiting for Santa to come. Instead I've been pacing around trying to get everything I needed to buy, wrap, organise myself, my family, Chris's family, all for a handful of days - a pleasant blur that soon becomes nothing as we hurtle towards the end of the year. I wanted to savour every moment and I did, mum spoilt us all with her fantastic cooking eventhough she was suffering a cold, we all laughed as we played games around the table with tea or wine. Ate far too much, drank a bit much too. Soon it was boxing day and Chris kindly came up to visit me and my crazed family and before I knew it, I was back home again.
During the quieter spells I was able to have little chats with mum about things, somehow it came onto the subject of children and I didn't stop her. I shared with her my desires and she encouraged them, which is the first time it's happened for many years. It made me feel so happy that she wasn't advising me 'all in good time' in a stern sort of way she used to when I was a lot younger. I could see she was excited by the idea as much as I was and I foolishly got wrapped up in the dream and carried it with my all the way home until we had a moment of peace where I couldn't contain it any more. I shouldn't have opened my stupid mouth. I shouldn't have said a word if I wasn't able to process the answer. I knew it all along, why was I surprised? It started as a light joke, he smiled, grinned, agreed and we ate and talked about other things. I brought it up again but the sound on the TV went quiet and it was very serious all of a sudden. He told me he wanted to wait, he wasn't ready. He hadn't any money saved, he wanted his own property first, he wanted to see the world first. He kept bringing up advise from his family members who have said in the past how kids change everything and he didn't want to regret anything.
I knew where he was coming from of course, and although in the past he may have said lil things here and there about children and parenting, I knew they were a long time off in the future for him. So, as the words spilled of him, I just felt numb. I can't really put into words how I felt by hearing it all. I knew it, so, on one hand I wasn't really surprised. But him confirming it all so confidently and definitely, just made me feel like my dreams were disintegrating. I felt lame, pathetic, frustrated but silent. There was nothing I could say to change his mind. So, we cried. He didn't want to disappoint me but knew that he was. I said that everything was vague, it could be years and years before we have a mortgage and I couldn't wait that long. He understood that I had my own timeframes but stood firm.
Everything flashed before my eyes and I wondered what I should do next. I comforted him, we hugged and I said it was fine, that it would all be okay. We would re-address this in the future and see how he felt about things. There is a bit of me that thinks he'll change his mind, because I guess he is like that. One moment he says one thing, then does another. But his morals are strong. But of course, this is a whole other level. I know that. I do comprehend the scale of this and my question to him, I do. I just can't shake the strong desire within me, and I doubt it'll ever waiver. Ever.
So, do I wait? Wait for him to maybe change his mind? It's just too much to weight up right now.
He did say though that he didn't have any doubt about him and me, and having a baby with me. It was just our financial constraints. So, I suppose that's something.
I know that my mum would say that money gets better if you're sensible and give it time, but I know he won't see it like that because I doubt that's what his family tell him. It's so different because he's a guy, they don't have timescales or the same maternal instinct that ladies seem to have. He also said that if he had one he wouldn't regret it, but now that we have the choice he'd want to plan better.
I get it. I get all of it. But I sort of hate it at the same time. I'm upset because he just isn't in the same headspace as me right now, and who knows if he ever will be. I don't want to pressure him, but I don't want to waste my time. I can't imagine leaving him.
I suppose I'll just give it a bit of time. See where things are at around my birthday. I'll be 27, I can think about proposing a two year guide, and if I hit late 28 and we're making no progress, then I'll leave.
I want children more than forking out thousands to see the world, that's just my priorities, it's just the way i'm programmed. Perhaps he'll come around. I hope that he will.
I'm now sitting back at my desk looking at my screen finding comfort in the fact that if it really does get much worse than all of this, I could kill myself. I know it sounds dramatic but really, it's honestly what's playing in the back of my mind. I just feel like i'm at such a loose end in my life. I don't have a career, the job I have just leaves me without any emotion at all, I've discovered that my partner won't consider children before he has a house - when he can't even pay me back a couple of hundred pounds, I just feel like I've made some really, really bad choices in my life today. I know it could be worse and I know that in a couple of days it'll all be sunshine again, but today I feel shit and 2016 keeps getting more depressing at the days go by. More people keep dying, more news keeps hitting the headlines making people want to stay indoors, every time I look in the mirror I see an aging face look back with tears just nearing the surface...I just want a long, deep sleep where I can wake up a different person.
On top of everything the one thing I was looking forward to (NYW with friends at an overpriced bar in an awkward location in central London, things have been that bad,) I realised today that I got the wrong ticket for the venue everyone else is going to, so not only have I wasted my money, cancelled my card over the whole ordeal - but I will now be alone, seeing in 2017.
Well, I suppose it makes sense. See in the new year the way I'll end this year, sorry, sad and lost. I suppose in the very least i'll save some money.
Maybe i'll get that long sleep I keep banging on about.
Maybe I won't wake up...year, that'll be a nice thought to keep me going.
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