Abandoned cardboard coffee cups swirl in the wind in unison as the train pulls out of the station. People walk past it without noticing. I doubt I'll miss London over the four days that I'm away, I can't believe that the festive time of year is suddenly upon us again. I feel so mentally unprepared.
The smartly dressed men in their snappy, well fitted suits with trousers too short and light brown shoes that click on the pavement with their ploom of expensive cologne. Their battered tan leather suitcases in tow.
People looking stressed and tired as they pack themselves into trains through small doors.
This was all before Christmas, now is a different story. London has a very strange feeling to it where there are a lot less people in it, it actually makes a for a very pleasant change. It's tempting to wish for it to always be like this but then I suppose the country would grind to a bit of a halt if that were the case. Sigh. Last working day of the year.
Why do I feel like crying? All I want to do is collapse on the floor in a big heap and just empty my eyes of the tears that keep rising and falling as these days creep by. I suppose this is just how I've got to live my life now, pretending that I'm happy and everything is okay when really, there's a piece of me that's lost and without it I'm just not the same. I hope that time will help me, perhaps it'll help us both. I hope that he'll start to think a little more about things, I wish him the best year that he's ever had.
I truly mean that, my happiness is his. Admitting this does make me feel a little pathetic and lame, especially today. And it is the last working day of the year, what a ridiculous achievement! So, what am I going to do? Type out a massive entry of all my thoughts, worries and concerns before I self combust at my desk. Because I am nothing without a plan or agenda, and at times where it feels like everything is falling apart, I know what helps calm me down is just unloading it all somewhere and cobbling together a rough plan, to help me cling to the sides of the caving walls.
When did I become so damn dramatic? I really do know how to make a right meal out of a situation don’t I. I’m tempted to look over my entries leading up to New Years for 2015, but I think I felt considerably more positive than I do now. I don’t think I scratched the surface of all the things I wanted to accomplish this year which will also drag me down, so I’ll wait a while before I reminisce.
I emailed mum yesterday and I’m so happy that I did. I wanted to for the entire day but put myself off the idea for some reason, but when I got round to it, she replied almost immediately and it did make me feel a bit better. Because, I don’t have anybody to talk to about this and I hate that. I know I work myself into a state if I keep turning a subject over and over in my head, sometimes I need someone to help pull me out of it but it’s difficult when pretty much everyone I’m closest to are males, who are likely to not understand the same way.
‘Ummm, well the bubble had to burst sometime....
This has been a sticking point between men and women ever since we had birth control. What he says is perfectly sensible and responsible, but possibly also unrealistic. It's not an easy one to sort out. I do remember your dad saying that he didn't think our relationship was strong enough yet (after four years) for us to have kids yet, but I argued my case and he agreed. He was right of course as we're no longer together, but there never would have been a 'right time' for us and you would not have been born at all. I'm sure he'd agree, as I would that that would have been a tragedy. I hope Chris would also agree. I remember an old boy at Seawick, Fred. He wasn't easy on the eye. He was overweight. He chain smoked. He was an old eastender. He didn't believe in god, he didn't mince his words. Having kids came up one day in the office and he said 'There is never the right time to have kids,, if you want them have them, money will look after itself'. I know I'm a potential grandmother, but this isn't about me. Lots of women wait until they've got the right man, a home that's theirs, that's big enough, that is near the right school, that has the job with the right flexibility....and by then they're in their late thirties and the way forward is fertility treatment (expensive, traumatic, potentially ineffective) or adoption (traumatic and also potentially ineffective).
In the old days men and women didn't get the choice, if you were young, healthy and having sex, babies came. So if the men didn't want a family, the only answer was not to have sex, or use a prostitute and let them deal with the consequences - no DNA tests to trouble you...
If you're on the pill come off it and the devil take the hind most, he'll come round, but if he doesn't you need to be prepared to go it alone, but you do have a home here anyway, if you want it. This seems really reckless of me, but, but life is too short and the gift of life is worth more than all the money in the world.
However, noise, dirt, sleepless nights, lack of freedom, the emotional roller coaster is tough, it's not for sissies. We live in an over populated world too, but but if you feel you can give a child the love and care it needs. It's not much to ask.
I have known women ditch relationships because their partner didn't want kids. Your aunt Vicki is one of them. She was lucky enough to find Phil but it was a worrying thing for her. I also know another women too. She eventually had her kids. Both ended their marriages, both had to wait until they were nearly forty, but they were successful and happy. Both coincidentally paired up with younger men.
I'm not going to check what I've said here, I'm just going to send it. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, this is mine, hope it's helpful.
Love mum x ‘
She also noted that we hadn’t known each other very long, and that when living in rented accommodation it’s easier to get financial help whereas if you buy it’s different.
So, she added a flip side to the whole situation and it was comforting to hear. I do want to talk to Chris about it all, I feel like I’m frightened by the situation and don’t want it to happen the same way as it did last time. But, it’s probably too soon. I’m tempted to write a letter, because that way it helps get out all the points I want to make without being interrupted or without my mind shutting down and locking me out.
I think I may draft up a list and try and write him something, to give him at a time where we're not worn out or tired...
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