Tears

It's been a busy and productive weekend leaving me unsure as to how I feel about it being Monday once again. I'm in the sort of mood to welcome the familiar routine to be honest, something to keep my mind off the things weighing me down. 

We went and viewed the new flat yesterday which was brilliant. It was all the things we remembered it being, our imagination went wild as we created lists of all the furniture we  wanted and all the things we'd do once properly living there. Chris's dad helped bring a few little bits, like his fold up bed, bedding and clothes. He seemed pleased with it all and I was happy to have his approval. The flat definitely feels like a grown up choice, it's all very 'proper,' it feels different to anywhere that I've been before.

Soon though, as we waited in the emptiness, the reality set in. We were there because of his new job, his career progression. Whereas me? What was I going to do? 

We both felt blue: we had hardly any money between us and the idea of everything falling nicely into place just feels very far away at the moment. I realised that I didn't have anything lined up as I had hoped, so it looks like I have applications and rejection in the two months to come, whilst living alone in our previous flat. 

I like our 'old' place but being there alone feels strange and now the internet has been cut off I feel at such a loose end. I'll just have to plough my way through my 'Friends' box set and do all my life admin at work. But this it's looking like it'll actually get rather busy now it's the build up to Christmas, so perhaps I won't have the time I think I have. 

Yesterday was a nice, chilled out day, just hanging out, playing games and drinking tea. I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness though that he'd be leaving in the evening to go back to the new, empty flat. And when the evening came, oh we cried a lot. It felt silly because we both knew it was coming but there was something about seeing him with all of his bags and knowing we wouldn't see each other for a while which just kept the tears coming. In a way I was glad he felt the same, not all bouncy and excited to be in the new place but I would have understood it if he was. 

After he left I wallowed a bit and realised that now the pressure really is on for me to find a new job - and soon. I don't want to take any old thing, but I know I need to really go for it whole heartedly. I can't commute from

St Albans whilst paying double rent, I just can't afford it, even though I really want to. And when January comes and I haven't found a new job, it's going to be a long process to a current job I don't much care for. They also haven't treated me very well! Why should I stick around? 

Sigh. Let's get today over with...