I've been going through a phase of listening to Joni Mitchell, her haunting voice seems to get me through the day. I wish I could sing like her, imagine having that lovely voice escape your lips at any moment you choose.
'Blue' does remind me of Joe's father, how it's the only CD he'd have in the car and would listen to it on repeat and sing along with it, he actually sang really well. It took me back to the Edinburgh days and the occasions where I'd go and visit. It was probably around this time of year actually, chilly November evenings drawing in, delayed trains and Christmas decorations everywhere...I do hope they are all well.
I do like this time of year very much, the brightly coloured leaves that decorate the pavements, the breath on the air, another reason to buy yet another scarf. I feel chipper today even though work is mediocre and the day feels slow. Maybe i'm still coasting off the family vibes from the weekend. It was good fun, seeing everyone, eating lovely food and playing games. It tires me out, but in a different sort of way. I felt safe again. It makes me look forward to Christmas even more. But there's a few things to come before then.
On Friday it's Chris's birthday and I'm really looking forward to it. I've booked a table at a nice looking Portuguese restaurant in a trendy part of town, close to where we had our first date funnily enough. The reviews looked nice and it looked like the sort of place he'd like, so hopefully we can have some wine and forget about money worries and just go with the flow of the evening. I spent yesterday in front of 'Friends' wrapping up his gifts (though sadly not many!) which is all I've been living on recently, as I no longer have internet at the flat. It's nice though, in a way. I'm still in touch with things on my phone and it gives me the time to put together some art stuff for people's Christmas presents. Hopefully i'll be able to do some more tonight after I've come back from my run - ha! Really though, I hope to be able to keep it up, for real this time. I always say that. I don't want to make a big deal of it. I suppose this time around i'm by myself, and I really through myself in to fitness stuff when alone as it's all I have to keep me occupied.
I told Chris a little while ago how gym's seem to remind me of sadder times of my life. I enjoyed the physical results but I wasn't myself, I was lonely. I spent any free time I had burning myself out on the treadmills and came home to crash out. I wasn't getting paid much at work and I was going on moribund dates.
So now I've a bit more flesh on my bones although I don't like it, I know it's a result of me being happier - eating/socialising/drinking/relaxing. Just all of those things catching up with me a bit. Sigh, it's all about balance isn't it. Last month it sort of went the other way. I got into a habit of greasy eating take-away pizza which cost nearly £25 a pop, cereal and chocolate whilst walking a mere 10 mins a day to the station and back...I looked at myself one morning and thought - 'what have you become? Complacent, that's what!' I can't stand the idea of letting myself go. I shared this concern with Chris and he held me close and admitted he'd still love me whatever my size. But it didn't really make me feel much better, because it's actually about how I feel about 'me' not just physically, but mentally. Eating rubbish food makes me feel so good at the time. It's so delicious - and the knowing it's bad for me makes it a little bit nicer somehow. But almost straight afterwards I look down at how much I've eaten and I feel sick. It's a point of weakness where I almost want to rush and make myself be sick, but I can't bring myself to do it. So it sits there and the guilt truly sets in. I tell myself I won't eat anything the next day to balance it out, but I cave as soon as my tummy rumbles. None of these things is healthy at all. But I remember that by being active I reduce how much crap I eat because I tell myself 'it'll only make it harder to burn off later.' It just helps me get back into control...in a way. So even though i'm still a bit sore, i'm going to go for another run this evening. I actually like venturing out into the darkness, I feel like I run a bit further, though I'm sure it's all in the mind.
The interview last week went really well, I should hear back in the next couple of days I was successful. The pressure is off a bit though after receiving that email from Lux, he mentioned to Chris that it's looking to be January. It feels like a long way off, but I don't mind the wait if it means that things might progress in that department. I wouldn't want to take up a new job then jack it in because something better came along, it's not really fair. The pay is a lot less than what i'm on now, and really, I need to save whatever I can. So I think I'll just try to sit tight. This month isn't long from being over and then it's December which always flies by, it doesn't leave many days to count down really.
I'm still hopeful and have my fingers crossed, even though it still has potential to fall through. I'll just keep my eyes peeled for other opportunities if they come up...we'll have to wait and see.
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