Hopeless

Closing my eyes feels so much easier than having to keep them open today, what an effort it feels. Sigh.

Not in the greatest of moods to be honest, I don't feel as though my personality is fully engaged. I want to be anywhere that isn't my current location and I can't put my finger on 'what I want' be it food, be it an activity, be in anything at all. Everything is just slightly 'off' so everything is just slightly pissing me off. 

It's hormones and stress. I've taken the first of many monetary big hits, the double rent and new deposit fiasco and it feels...terrible. I look at the numbers and it's just suddenly so bare. It's likely i'll have to start cycling again in order to save absolutely everything I can to scrape on by, all this and I'm living alone. 

You'd think living in a big city you'd never have to get used to spending time on your own, but actually it happens far more than you'd think. I need to get used to it, it's going to be another two or three months like this, while Chris lives it up in our lovely new place and all its facilities. I don't want to feel any resentment - it's important that I don't let that get anywhere near me - but it's time likes these I really don't feel very happy about any of it. It's all working out for him and yet I couldn't be further away from where I want to be. That's right, i'm going there. The hope has diminished today. I've still not heard a word from that guy who interviewed me, which to be honest is pretty fucking rude. I know nothing was promised and no date was set. But it's just courtesy, especially when my supposed other half sees him every day, you'd think that would be a reminder.

It makes me feel helpless, hopeless, stupid and lost. I was so excited, and it's all come to nothing. What a waste of energy and thought. I don't want to apply to anything ever again - but I have to, because I don't want to be here and I don't want to settle...I just don't want to keep feeling like this :( 

I would just love some good news...I think i'm due some good news...