Emotional

I'm hoping that it's just hormones, but during this entire journey from work to the old flat and now to the new one after a gruelling day has me on the brink of tears.

Maybe it's the crammed spaces, the pushing, the tugging, the no looking - for those few minuets it really is awful. We're all paying a lot of money each journey for sheer unpleasantness. But we all love to moan about it, and I guess the only positive is that nobody is enjoying it, it's a frustration that is shared. As more tall men in their thick winter coats and shopping bags pushed me further and further into the scrum of pissed off people, looking at me as though they were going to kill me, I just felt the tears rise up. My palms were sweaty, blood pumping, heart thudding faster, nearly shaking I realise I was finally experiencing what is commonly referred to as a 'panic attack.' I took deep breaths and kept my head down so nobody could see, soon it subsided and I calmed. A man my left looked kind and he gave me a half smile, it made me feel safe. 

I eventually got back to the flat which felt so far away. Going in made me feel sad, I realised I had missed it, all my colourful furniture inside, photos, novelty creatures smiling at me. It felt weird knowing that soon I'd be leaving again, and soon we'd be moving out properly - next weekend by the looks of things.

It's been an emotional week, I hope it'll get better but it's only Tuesday. Time feels heavy. 

Tomorrow we're going to Chris's mums in the evening, I'm in two minds as to whether I should go. Seeing them upset together is likely to effect me more than I'd care to show them. But I want to be supportive, as much as I can. I want to help, and of course I want to see them. I don't want chris to feel he has to bring me along.