People go through disappointment in their lives all the time. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, famous or just some ordinary person going about their daily routine. Today, i'm trying to find comfort in that. Although I haven't heard anything, I'm preparing myself for it. It's the come down after the high. After thinking it all over, talking about it in detail with my nearest and dearest, I still felt as though everything had gone well and I was happy with my best efforts. But as soon as I got back into the office, it was like someone had placed a giant turd on my desk the previous day and left it for me to fester over night, knowing that I would clear it all up, because I always do.
I'm just about at my limit now, it feels.
It's been a shite day and really I wanted to have a pleasant but busy day to distract me from obsessing over the results of yesterday. So instead I'm thinking back to the lovely, bright, fun, forward-thinking offices and wishing I could be there more than ever! I can't remember a time I wanted anything as badly as I do now. But just because I want it, and in a lot of ways feel I deserve it, doesn't mean it'll happen like that. I may never hear from them again. They could have been humouring me, might have thought I was too much of a pushover...it's easy to slip into negativity. I'm trying to fight it, but it's difficult.
To add to everything going on, it seems that next month I may well be going part time again. They won't tell me for sure though, it's so frustrating because really I need to plan for what to expect. I have emailed HR to let me know for certain - if you don't ask, you don't get and I don't care enough about this place to worry about appearing bolshie. I'm perfectly within my right to know anyway. If that is the case then fine, but it's coinciding with double rent, moving home, increasing rent of the new flat...it's just, scary thoughts if I think about it too much. All the saving I've done over the past couple of years will just be bled dry, I know it will. But hey, that's what it's there for. One can always earn more I suppose.
I can't be putting all my eggs into one basket, I can't pin all my hopes onto one job. It's a light at the end of the tunnel but that's all it is at the moment. I'm hopeful and will continue to feel ridiculously hopeful until hear otherwise. Ultimately, I know that I've done everything I can now, so it's pointless even weighing it up.
Just need to distract myself once more. Maybe even contemplate new job applications, I mustn't give up just yet.
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