Deception

Urine stained alleyways, glass breaking, bin bags lining battered back doors. Ladies waltz inbetween taxi's honking in their patent stilettos, appearing from the diesel fumes that hangs heavy in the air. 

I smile to myself as I walk past tourists merrily snapping away, gasping at the glamour. Are they seeing the London I'm seething? 

I try and look up and remember the wonder I once felt but truly it's difficult to do when you're living it. It's like working a job you can't stand. 

I couldn't shake the bitterness today. I try to fight through it regardless of how I personally feel as I know it's not professional. But sometimes certain people push a little too hard and I find my veneer is weakening under the pressure of appearing as though everything is fine. 

This afternoon I tried to use this energy constructively and applied to 5 or 6 new jobs. I tried not to feel phased by any of it but it was better than how I thought it would be. 

As I clicked and hoped that soon something positive would appear in my inbox, I remembered how possibly 75% of this city is grinding down to a job they don't like every day, like me. I am not alone in this situation I know it. 

It has always been difficult getting a job but people do love to go on about the current 'climate' and how tough it is these days, it's scary and off putting. It's a demoralising process and one I do not savour. I know I need to make the best of every situation but this is one I look forward to seeing the back of...one day. Maybe it'll be next month, God I do hope so. I know that the only way I can make things change is initiate the change - be the change, in fact. It's easy to settle because the money's okay and I'm able to drop into life admin or browse the Internet without anyone being on my case. But really, I don't like how indifferent I've become about it. I contemplated handing in my notice today, hoping that I'd be able to find a new job whilst working my notice. But people are advising me against this, I'm sure I would do the same if it were the other way around. Just, don't like being played for a fool and remaining there, seeing that smug faced idiot from HR smirk and bang on about his second mortgage and his general comfort within the company as I sit and eat silently. Whenever I see this man I always want him to be less of a prick than I know he is, which is soon confirmed as he opens his mouth. I hate that someone like that is in the position he is, it doesn't fill me with faith or confidence. It's tempting to complain and then I realise he's the one to complain to! How on earth does that work? Perhaps that's why he's in that job so he thinks he can Lord it over everyone else. 

Sigh.