Friday is here again. I am happy that this week is nearly over. I don't like that I feel glad wishing away time, but it has been rather unsettled. There have been highs, lows and uncertainty. These are all things which still hang in the air, and in my mind, only time and patience will help to resolve things again.
I wonder how things will be two months from now? Perhaps even next month? Will things be good or bad? I suppose everything has potential to be both things at any time. I am hopeful that there will be more positives. Doesn't everyone?
Yes, I think this is going to be an entry full of questions and wishy washy thoughts. It's one of those slow daze days. That's okay. I'm still processing things and letting it all sink in.
It's going to be a busy weekend, tomorrow is a friend's wedding which will be really nice. They are a sweet couple and the day promises to be chilled and filled with laughter. Who doesn't love a good wedding? It'll be nice to do something socialable as it has been a while and it's likely to be the last time for a while as funds prohibit such pleasantries. It's to be expected of course. Especially now that work have dropped a bit of a clanger in that I'll be going back to part time from the 1st, going against what was previously arranged. It's laughable really, 'but of course!' sprang to my mind as I was told. 'At the most expensive time of the year? Really? That makes sense!' I know they're not looking out for me personally, why would they? They're only thinking of themselves, I am only a number. It looks to only be for one month, but still, it makes me feel so insignificant and tiny - I do so much for them and that's how they want to repay me? It could be worse, I know that much. And, in lots of ways I'm happy to be spending less time at a place which drains me so. I dearly hope that it will coincide with good, job-related news because it will be so delicious - a sweet, glorious moment they would never expect! ... Obviously, I want it for different reasons - not just to shock my current place of work. I want it so badly urgh! I try to forget but my mind keeps playing it back to me in moments of calm. I know the only way to move on from this 'unknowing' stage, and perhaps the negative 'sorry we don't want you' response, is to apply to new things. I know if I keep chipping away something will give - it has to! I just feel sad thinking about it because I still feel positive about how it went on Tuesday...I don't want to ignore my gut instinct! But it hasn't always been right, and there is nothing to loose by putting together new applications - I just need to keep my finger on the pulse. Which means constantly checking the websites for new positions being posted to guarantee some sort of response. I should probably change the CV again as well.
Sigh. It's not a thought that excites me to be honest. It never is an easy task. I know I'm still in a job and that's a stronger position than not being in one at all.
It's difficult times because I'm excited for Chris but I know that he's careful about showing his own excitement, he knows i'm not particularly happy where I am. He says he also feels good about how it all went this week, and he really isn't one to sugar-coat things, but he's keeping it all at bay just in case. We both are. I don't want a 'no' from them to taint my excitement for him, so I won't let it. It may be a bit tricky to start off with though, i'll need to be strong. Hopefully I won't need to summon that part of me - but it needs to be ready, just in case.
I suppose that's why I tend to assume the worst of things. Because if the worst does happen, I can tell myself a 'I told you so - you knew this would happen' and get on with it. And if the opposite happens, it'll be a lovely surprise. It's exhausting though, and it turns my stomach in knots.
Either way though, I'm interested to see how the move will help me mentally - if at all. I'm hopeful that our relationship will benefit from it; nicer environment, more space etc. But also not being in the city anymore, how will that impact on my thought processes and health overall? I feel like I'm going back to Cambridge again. I know that being a part of the crazy, rushing people stresses me out. It makes me panic, I am jumpy and I feel nervy. I won't miss that. The move itself will likely be a bit all over the place. As Chris officially starts next week, he'll be living at his dads for two weeks and commuting from there, while I stay at our current place. It'll be fine, we'll get through it. It will be me living on my own for the first time in my life! I hope to use the time alone constructively...it's all a case of playing it by ear.
But for now, I just need to concentrate on relaxing and enjoying the weekend.
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