Vices

Oh these distractions. Although I know it won't lead to happiness, I still find myself looking for them. It's like an addiction, a bad habit. No good will come from it but it doesn't stop me craving it. It seems to always be on my mind - but it shouldn't be, which only makes me sort of obsess over it even more. I don't like giving in to it, and it always seems to catch me in moments of weakness, where there's a gap and space for it to grow.

I know it's human. Everyone has their vices. I thought mine was chocolate but it seems this one has potential to be a lot more sinister, but it's one that others share too. I suppose in all long term relationships the spark can fade so if it appears in someone new, of course it's dazzling and tantalizing for all. People who are strong know to keep away, keep occupied, generally think about other things knowing that eventually it'll pass. But I'm weak when it comes to this.

It's like the cunning voice in the mind chiming in before the angelic voice, weighing in on the debate. I find myself longing to hear more to hear myself giggle. I convince myself it's innocent and it is, but then if I'm feeling like this, surely there's more to it. It doesn't matter that on the surface it's all above board - because i'm the one who's going to look at it anyway and I know it's not the case, because it runs deeper.

It's always been the way with me, and it's usually led to my undoing and eventual sadness. Yesterday I cried a lot, and i'm not sure why. I realised it coincided with the lack of communication between us, and I was unable to focus on much else. I lulled after watching the movie and found myself wondering how things would have been so different if I didn't end things with Joe. Where would I be living? Where would I be working? It's silly to think like this as it's fruitless. But still, I went there.

I walked out the door and tried to listen to music in the park as a distraction. The left ear had broken so I could only hear half of it, distorted, then my breathing in the other ear. I couldn't handle it and ended up putting them away. The evening drew in and I phoned dad, we talked for a while and I shared my dull emotions and cried a little more.

I feel guilty that I've been feeling happiness from an outlet that I shouldn't be pursing. I enjoy finding out about people, I miss being sociable so much and I know I really must get into a job where this desire is satisfied because it could help quench this thirst of curiosity. 

'There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one. ' It's a quote that keeps coming into my mind and I find it difficult to ignore. - We did have a moment, but we went along anyway.

I don't want him, but I want to explore him for a while. I don't know in what way, but one thing I do know for sure is that I don't want to throw away everything I have now - and I will not.

Flattery is a very powerful thing. I didn't realise how much so until it's cut off for some reason or another. I love to charm and long to be charmed. So when two people like that get together, there's clearly a connection. I like that he finds me fun and funny - I like to think I am these things but to hear it from someone is wonderful. It's wrong, because I don't truly know he's reasoning. I think he just likes to flirt but I know he'd never leave his girlfriend. So, what are we doing then?

So this is where I find myself, at an end really. The ball is in his court, I want to nudge him - but I am fighting the urge, so I am typing this instead. I am going to write an entry every time I want to write to him - there, that'll keep my occupied. 

 

I know the game he is playing - we are so similar, so I know he's trying to the whole 'hard to get' thing and not start things first. He likes knowing that I like him and find him intriguing, so he ramps things up to leave me cold. It would be different if we were both single but we're NOT. Friends don't do that. I realised that when he was alone, he always wanted my attention. We spoke on the phone for over 3 hours! Texted too, him saying he wanted to see my again ASAP.But then yesterday when he left to collect his gf, I heard nothing at all, and I haven't heard anything since. 

Maybe he feels guilty. I wonder if he's feeling the same way I am too. He should do, we both should.

 

I remember when he first added me I thought he was a weird guy. I still do to be honest. But he's intelligent, he's witty, got so much character it softens his edges.

But even so. That doesn't matter. Really, we can't be friends because we have arranging to meet has to be this sort of secret thing - which it shouldn't be. He's significantly older than me and although he may claim to love me, want to marry me, will be the best thing I've ever experienced, it's all just words at the end of the day. It truly isn't worth getting this emotionally involved in.

Cutting it out completely is the only way...