Low, very low indeed

Today I am broken. There is no other way to describe it. My brain is in auto pilot and will feel nothing more than negativity, anything I want to say comes out in streams of expletives, my body is tense and my fists are clenched. 

I don't know what to do with myself. Anything I try to do is a pointless task. What a fucking waste of a day. 

I threw my phone on the floor and wanted it to smash into a thousand pieces. I suppose it's a good thing that I didn't.

So I'm sitting on a little fishing plinth looking out onto the pond in the hopes of calming down. I just want to cry. I can't have Chris see me like it, but it's all I want to do. I don't want to see anyone today I just want to stay hidden, I just want to dissapear. I'm a useless mess. I'm a waste. I'm having a seriously down, low day. It's like I won't be satisfied until I hurt myself. But that would be foolish, sadly too much of my serious brain is functioning and preventing me from doing such a thing. 

This is depression. And I hope that a day is all it takes for me to pull through it and come out the other side.