The sun is shining today and I'm generally feeling a bit more positive about things than I was earlier on in the week. It looks to be a quiet and slow day today but I'm okay with that, i'm in the mood to go with the flow and listen to my thoughts. I've got to take the rough with the smooth; try and enjoy these days while I have them.
The weekend will be here soon and I'm looking forward to that. I've reluctantly agreed to meet Ellie for dinner in the evening which is going to be a very expensive meal which i'm doing more as a favour than as I actual desire. But I know she's grateful, and we'll have a nice time. It makes me a little irritated sometimes that she sort of relies on me to help her pick up the pieces of an original plan that fell through; perhaps a date that cancelled, another, better friend pulled out at the last moment and she throws a bit of a strop in my direction to get her way. But hey, I one; let her, and two, don't try and organise much with her in the first place so I suppose it balances out in some ways.
I think to myself how i'd like to have more girly friends. But it's situations like these where I realise that actually it's all a lot more intense than with guys and I soon forget all about the thought before. I've accepting that I don't really need the female company in order to feel myself. In fact I'm a lot more at ease around guys and much prefer it, there's just a heck of a lot less tension in the air somehow. But then, I've not had the best experiences. I seem to attract quiet brash, stubborn gals who always like to constantly be seen doing something cool and want to rope me into their grand plans. I used to think it was flattering, but I've come to realise that it's only because I don't put up any fight at all so they sort of latch onto that. There's zero confrontation and I make them feel better about themselves, because they badger me into saying what they want to hear. - This is harsh and of course, not true for everyone I've met. My dear friends at home for example, this does not apply. But people I've met in my more adult life, it seems. I hope that when I have children i'll meet more mums that will have softened a bit with their parental duties, perhaps i'll have the opportunity to mingle with personalities I've not met much before, we'll have to see.
But all that being said, I don't much mind tagging along to these things that are 'cool,' like this place on Saturday is a surprise restaurant. They text you the location at a certain time and give you a theme/dress code. It certainly is something a bit different, and I like socialising with food! we've lots to catch up on, so, I'm sure it'll be a fun evening.
I feel content but then, I feel a little guilty in a way. I've maintained contact with him when I should really cut it back a bit. - It's all friendly, quality conversation, above board. But it's just the consistency which feels a little off to me somehow. Like, throughout the day. But I enjoy it, and he's fun to talk to because he's got so much to talk about. Yesterday he shared an album he'd put together and it was...beautiful. I tilted my head back in the bath as I listened and found my skin creep from the sound, which I was not expecting. There was part of me that didn't want to hear it, in case it was cheesy and not to my taste. But when I got myself geared up to press play, it was very much to my taste and clearly influenced by artists who I've a lot of time for. I was well and truly impressed.
But I didn't want to be, I wanted it to be rubbish! He was being a lot like me - keeping these things that he's clearly very proud of under wraps until a fair way into friendships and conversations with a real sense of modesty. It's bad but I just want to keep unravelling. He's vegetarian to, he enjoys nitty-gritty indie cinema with harrowing storylines and he loves comedy. Every time I share a band or song, he's heard it before and already loves it. He welcomes new films to watch, he likes to quote from the same stand-up I do. Sigh, again it's filling that hole that was once filled with Joe when we were together. That's not saying that Chris doesn't, but there are some things that he just doesn't get and that's completely fine, I don't expect him to.
If we do ever meet i'm pretty sure this daze-like feeling about this guy will soon deplete; he could be just like Drew - confident enough to be far too forward, but lacking any finesse to pull it off, coming across creepy and awkward. But I hope something will click and we'll be able to banter as friends do.
Perhaps it's just the fact he's more experienced in his life, that keeps me feeling intrigued. It's strange, because sometimes I don't reply at all - I don't want to, I feel almost repelled. But then something changes a couple of days later down the line and I have to break the silence.
Between the lines I unpick,
A glow grows within.
Deny it I will, for it is wrong,
To feel what I do
Within.
It's been years since I've tried to put anything poetic together, which is very clear as I was never been very good at it! But I feel the urge to write something today, maybe I'll have a little go just to keep me occupied.
Perhaps it's just the fact he's more experienced in his life, that keeps me feeling intrigued. It's strange, because sometimes I don't reply at all - I don't want to, I feel almost repelled. But then something changes a couple of days later down the line and I have to break the silence.
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