Following through

Well, to good to be true is the saying and today it rings true. At long last, this fresh autumnal morning has awoken me from the fog of stupidity I've found myself in during the past few weeks. Perhaps it's the new hair dye, the once loved shade of my early twenties has transformed me back to that time has changed my outlook on things. Last night his words just cut through me like a knife; 'oh my dear i'm being closely observed tonight, a sneaky phonecall would look more suspicious.'

It was in that moment I looked up from the screen and said to myself clearly; What the fuck am I doing? For some reason this jolted me awake. The words 'sneaky' and 'suspicious' were almost in bold and underlined, the penny dropped and my heart sank. I've been such a fool. This cannot be a friendship if it gets to midnight and I'm one; waiting for my phone to ring and two; he feels he needs to be secretive about it. It's messed up, it doesn't make any sense at all. So many thoughts started to revolve around my mind, I pictured his girlfriend feeling worried and on edge, as though she wondered if he was up to something, perhaps acting differently to how he was before. At first I thought how under the thumb he must be but suddenly I see her feeling insecure and sad. I don't know her, what they are, they're history - it's none of my business, and this is EXACTLY why I must not get involved at all. Before it was okay but now potentially I am getting inbetween and that's never something I want to be a part of. Never. And this is before I've even thought about my own situation and how strange this would appear from the outside. I know the reality of it all - it's just curiosity with a bit of flattery, his asking my questions and generally being interested in me is a refreshing welcome change from my boring every day life, so I've been going along with it. Being able to open up conversations into comedy, music, art - things I love and am passionate about, if someone invites the talk, I can't help but play along.

But that was wrong.

I shouldn't be looking for distractions, I should be looking for ways to change the areas of my life i'm not happy with. Things will only become more complicated if I keep pursing this - whatever the heck it is. I'm not a sneak and I don't want to be getting anyone into any trouble, including myself.

He thinks he has the power in this situation; being the one to leave things hanging, only replying to what he wants to reply to, basically picking me up when it feels convenient for him. The only times he's fully engaged with me is when she's away - isn't that terrible? It all feels a lot more messy now and I'm not into it.

Cutting clean is the only way - I know this, I've been signing off every entry with it - it's time to follow through this time.