Feeding the addiction

'If I'm to be totally honest with you, and I am, the way I have felt since the moment we met can only really be described one way. It's a feeling that have often discussed over the years! You know, in songs, literature, poetry and that...'

'You've touched me with a magic wand!'

'The moment that keeps replaying in my head is when you kissed me on the cheek! Swoon!'

 

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So, how's that cutting out, going cold turkey thing going? Yeah, not great. 

It's just a strong sense of addiction. It's like I need to know the feelings that he's experiencing too, just to confirm what I'm thinking and feeling myself. What good would come of it, whether it's the answer I want to hear or not? It's a surreal state of affairs that appears sweet and innocent on the surface but somehow hooks are clawing in deep inside and I'm finding it difficult to move past it.

 

What does this all mean? Why is this happening now? Why am I letting it happen?

 

In the past when something similar to this has occurred, it happened at a time where I was going through a difficult time, perhaps a tricky time with some unhappiness thrown in there as well. It was a pleasant distraction, something to keep my mind occupied while I waded through the mundane. Although it worked for a while, I became attached and I let it interfere with how I really felt, it confused the deeper emotions for lust and excitement. It was like drinking a shot of vodka to help blot out how appalling the club was; trying to mask the problem with something to numb the pain. It never removed the problem, in fact it intensified it.

I suppose there has been a loophole. I haven't been happy with my working situation for a long time, the communication within my own relationship could be a bit stronger I suppose - but then that's because we don't see each other very often. Quality time together seems to be rather rare. But then that's inexcusable; if I'm not happy with work, I should leave! If I feel more time needs to be spent together, I need to make an effort and make more time for us both. It's not an excuse but it's the only real reason why I feel this has occurred the way it has. Of course not forgetting, me encouraging it a little bit. If I never replied to that first message from him, I certainly wouldn't be here right now.

 

It's just the relighting of the flame inside, it feels so nice and familiar. It's youthful, fun and warming all qualities which feel as though they haven't been felt for many, many months. Being in an environment I don't like just takes away all my creativity and bleeds me dry. But recently I've wanted to draw again, make things - I've even found myself singing again.

I don't truly believe that all of this can be linked to this one individual, but it has brought out the colours in me that were grey and dull before. I just need to be careful that I don't lose sight of what's really important and get my emotions confused. It's all a part of life and the people we meet.

What's bad is the fact that I really want to see him again. But when will it stop? By seeing him again will only make me feel more curious, surely. It's dangerous. It's feeding the addiction. It's even more tantalising because we've spoken more and we're closer than we were before. I know where these questions lead in my mind and it's so easy to get carried away, particularly whilst being charmed with his words and his humour.