Visiting my home town is always a strange experience, mostly because on the whole it's a pretty unpleasant place. Maybe one day it was postcard worthy but now...it's dreary. As the train creeps into the station it all looks so familiar and yet so sad. Everything and everyone looks tired and in need of a bit of TLC.
I waiting for Robs to come and pick me up at the station and looked onto a cafe bar which an old friend of mine's family used to own. I remember meeting her there and having polystyrene cups of strong tea with noisy sports playing on the TV overhead on many occasions. Burgundy and cream, a long bar with individual packets of crisps lining the tops, possibly serving only one beer in cans. Her mum and dad ran it part time. The mother was such a sweetheart and had an enthusiasm for life I've not seen in many other people since, her dad however put me a bit on edge though and I could never put my finger on why.
Now it was boarded up and as I walked closer I could see furniture stacked, printed out opening times fading in the smeared windows. I wonder how they are now.
As her car pulled up however it was as though the sunshine was out again and it was chatter non stop for the entire time I was with her. Her boyfriend was there to, it was nice to see him and see them together. They've recently moved in together and their home is fantastic - so much space, so bright, open and airy, with a front and back garden, a long drive ah, all for the half the rent than what we're paying now! It's sickening but of course I'm so pleased for them, it was so homely.
We went out for lunch her and I and properly caught up, we smoked a cheeky cigarette and took pictures just like old times. She confided in me a story relating to a recent argument between her and her partner and I was amazed at how similar it was to mine - an ended friendship which perhaps crossed the line at times.
I explained to her everything that had happened which felt so good, I knew she would tell me honestly what she thought.
'You should listen to the message, you're expecting the worst case scenario - so if it is that, well then you're correct and it won't be a surprise. But it might be that she just wants to ask you something.' She offered to listen to it for me, but as tempting as it was, I didn't want the read receipt to go her way - it made it all too real somehow.
I know that makes me a coward, but I don't want to resolve the 'friendship' as I knew it had to be done all along, I just don't feel any good will come from
It. I fear by listening I'll have to reply, and by replying I could be opening up a whole can of worms.
I am curious - but why not type it out? Perhaps she doesn't remember doing it, maybe she was drunk. Maybe it was an accident, maybe it was a recording of something - perhaps him talking about me. Maybe it was her being nice? God knows. But it's all very strange whatever it is. I'd rather not know. Because if it is her being upset or angry, it will upset me so much - but perhaps I deserve to be upset?
But - I haven't done anything wrong! Girls aren't silly though, I'm guessing she knew something was up, perhaps she saw my name somewhere. Sigh.
'I don't do dramas,' and 'please don't be worried x' were the last things he said before I shut it all down. I am worried but I hope that in a few days it'll all subside. I want him to tell me that it's all okay and then that's closure. But that may be a long time from now.
It's just another instance of someone being a part of my life for a while and then departing as quickly as they came. Everything is temporary.
Perhaps he feels reliefe to, who knows...
No good was going to come from it either way. I knew how he felt and I went along with it when I shouldn't. It would have only have ramped up more, possibly with worse consequences.
Sigh.
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