Better

I feel a little better than my entry yesterday, which was very likely to be influenced by hormones and the weather. I knew that everyone was suffering as one, but it didn't make me feel any better.

 

I still don't feel 100% but then this is not a rare sensation during this time of the month, everything just feels emotionally charged. I'm either crying with laughter or crying with frustration. My goals seem to change during this time as well, suddenly the urge to get married creeps in again and I've almost resigned myself to just settling for an okay job and be okay with that.

 

I'm not, though. Not at all. Of course I've made this very clear in the last few weeks, but it's really time that things changed. I know everyone has their time but I'm impatient and want it to be mine now! I know that I won't be getting any opportunities that I don't put myself in for, so I need to start working on that. I've got a few days off next week which I originally put aside for a small holiday with some of Chris's friends but it didn't seem to plan out the way I thought it would. So instead i'll be working hard on putting together a really incredible CV and cover letter template. I also want to plan a schedule for applying for jobs first thing in the morning before work, so i'm hitting the numbers and inboxes before others do. Hopefully it'll all increase my chances of getting a look in, and it'll keep me motivated as well. The sooner I have something in the pipeline, the better.

 

Above all though, things could be a lot worse. And I've put up with a lot worse in my time. Just because change is happening to those closest around me, doesn't mean that it won't come my way in time. The right job will be absolutely worth the wait - I need to get out of this black hole. 

 

* 

 

I've been looking around at people lately. I dyed my hair a shade darker than the usual blonde and I found that I blended in a lot more easily, which I didn't really care much for. I looked at guys with their swaggers, ladies in expensive dresses, rings on their fingers - everyone seems to be married and/or pregnant and I can't seem to ignore it. It annoys me to realise these things and I start to wonder if these people are actually happy in what they're doing. It's an answer I'll never know, but I like to make up my own. It's like catching little snippets of people's conversations as they walk past, I like to make up the rest of what they're saying; sometimes it's dramatic, other times it's confrontational. Each make me smile to myself, another little way of trying to get through the day. 

Sigh. 

Is it the weekend yet?