'Do you think it's possible to love two people at the same time?' He asked sincerely.

In a way, I did wonder if something like that would be heading my way, but it's difficult to tell due to the air in which he talks about things, i'm never sure if he's joking or not. His complimentary way of talking, the marriage proposals, the suggestive comments, he even talked about having a baby with me - it's sounds downright ridiculous and that's because it is. We haven't even met! But there's something about him that keeps me asking questions, not really meaning to provoke it. I don't know why i'm flattered by it all, but I do like him a lot as a friend. He is a very interesting individual; musical, he has a great sense of humour, we share the same taste in comedians and make each other laugh.

 

Today I told him that I enjoyed his company very much and it appeared our conversations were getting 'to that point' where we needed to rein it in a bit or call it a day. Because, I love Chris so much and I would never want to jeopardise what we have together. Although he knows I talk to this individual every now and then, he believes it's all under control - which it is! But I would feel uncomfortable showing the exchanges, and in that case, it needs to be addressed - if its not something I can be truly open with Chris about, then its a little be dishonest and that's unfair. 

I imagine our conversations will fizzle out now, and that's okay I suppose. I would be lying if I hadn't thought about it in a weird, abstract sort of way...just, wondering what it would be like. He's considerably older than me. I'm not sure how much by, but he has a daughter who's possibly 8 or 9. He's not the usual type I'd go for, he's language is particularly blue and he's pretty 'out there' with his beliefs, not afraid to share the odd confrontational opinion. These are all great big turn offs. But, after getting to know him a bit, from casual back and forth messages, I learn that he is deep, thoughtful and appreciative of the little things in life. He is a talented musician, who likes to share his works and ideas. These warm him up a little bit, and he clearly misses talking about them with others. 

 

I'm not looking for something to take me away from where I am now, but I dearly miss friendship. I miss having someone to talk to who isn't a part of my family or Chris. Because sometimes it's nice to have an outside perspective and just, talk about friendly things. I realise I warm to this guy because he likes my company and we share things that friends would share. It's a shame he's pushed it a little bit and made me feel a bit awkward I suppose. I mean, he has a girlfriend and I think they've been together as long as me and Chris. He doesn't ever talk about her. 

So, I suppose that leaves me here. And, I feel cold and sad today. The sun is bright and summer is not over and won't be for a while, I want to rejoice in this but instead I fear the spark will never return to my eyes...

I don't want to be here anymore, I just want to disappear. I miss the sea, I long to be by the sea, sitting on a rock looking out to the horizon smoking a cigarette. The sun going down slowly, just, collecting all my thoughts together and start again. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. I hope talking to someone who may have other desires doesn't make me a bad person either. I just, need some sort of change soon because I just can't keep on like this...