Changes and irritations

This week has really been one of many ups and downs. Ultimately though, it has left me wanting to follow through with change. So far, I've dangled the carrot of 'new things' in front of my face for a while, but never really given it the heart it deserves. This week has challenged my good nature and has left me reeling a bit. It has felt long, drawn-out and sort of...enevitable really, it makes a lot of sense that it's happened this way, because things rarely turn out the way you hope they will.

 

Of course, this is all work related. So, it's very important, and yet, it almost doesn't bother me at all. The lady who i'm supposedly covering on maternity leave is coming back soon, much to peoples surprise. It'll be nice to have her back in the office though, she is a sweet woman who keeps my manager in his place which is always satisfying to see. The dates are uncertain, but I was told that when she does return, things will remain much as how they are, I won't go back to part-time. Well, that was what they said anyway. This has changed recently though, and rather suddenly. It transpires that I will only be able to stay full time if I take-on all of the press officer's duties as well, who's also going on maternity leave soon. This is an area of work I simply cannot stand. I really can't express my feelings towards the whole area strongly enough. - the job role itself is extremely doable and straight forward, - the problem is the culture that surrounds it. The vacuous, wannabe rich, empty ladies who go to breakfast meetings with other wannabe rich ladies, who both feel a sense of importance and entitlement, to discuss out-dated concepts for hours each day, portraying this air of creativity and glamour when really it's just sending out an occasional email. It just makes me so irritated to see, how on paper they are worth so much more than the raw creative ideas themselves which is usually down to the work of some underpaid, overworked freelancer who never gets any credit in the long run.

Yes, I am being negative. But I have seen this many times in lots of places I've worked. I have zero respect for these individuals. Not only that, but I've lost a lot of respect for the company i'm currently working for. They don't see me as valuable, they see me as someone who will fill a gap when its convenient. They know I'm flexible, that I don't like confrontation and will adapt to things without fuss, so they thought they'd enforce this on me because I've nowhere else to go in their minds.

I feel disappointed and trapped. 

So I've spent most of this week rambling on at Chris and dad about what I should do next. I'm trying to negotiate some sort of pay rise, not that it will make me feel any better, but they've told me that its not possible - which is bullshit. I would never ask if I didn't feel worthy of it. I've tried to talk to my manager, who doesn't really care what happens so that's a waste of effort. I've tried to have a meeting with our supposed HR manager - the only thing he managed was to divert the whole conversation onto himself and basically pleaded with me to take the role on and just give it a shot.

 

I suppose i'm not really one who likes to give in easily, I don't like to beaten by things. It's just the principle to be honest. It's the fact that I have to do this and they're all already getting excited by the idea. My department are also looking forward to the fact that i'll be a nice link for them to get more of what they want out of Press - i'm just going to be treated like a tool, I just know it. It's going to be a nightmare.

So, I've been sending out CV's like nobody's business. I'm now going at this full pelt, I don't want to get treated like a fool anymore and it's time to get out. I'm worth more than this.

 

This weekend i'm going to put together a new portfolio to get printed up physically, and make it easily sendable to add as attachments to applications. My work is my ticket to get me into a better job, I know it. It's so easy to be ignored with cleverly put together words, but pictures that pack a punch can be so much more memorable. I've got lots of lovely work but I've not had much time to devote to it recently, and this three-day weekend will be the perfect opportunity to get stuck in and really give it a good go. 

I need to get out of the situation i'm in now, where I feel pressured, trapped and demotivated. I need to get the spring back in my step and completely overhaul my career. If I feel a deserve more, I need to get myself out there and ask for it - get right up in their grill! 

I'm scared of the rejection and the lack of responses, but all it takes is for that one person to ask me to an interview and its all change! It will take lots of applications, it will take lots of painstaking work. But one I get my CV updated again, my portfolio pulled together, then i'll feel a lot more confident in myself and will ready to take on anything!

 

26 is going to be a good year! I don't want to spend it stagnant, in a job that gives me no satisfaction or reward. I'll happily wait tables if I have to, something I dearly miss...