Two days of summer are now upon us here in London, and its quite glorious. Never did I think I would enjoy the sun and its warmth as much as I am at the moment, its a shame to be in the office, but it's nice to see others out and about enjoying it.
I feel as though I've a spring in my step today, I feel as though I've made some mental progress. It's only a small step but at I don't feel as trapped as I did in my last entry.
I got home yesterday in the warmth and decided to push the boat out and go for a run. I had built it up a lot in my mind, how I was going to flag and fail but actually I didn't do too badly! I came home, made some dinner and Chris then came back, a little later than planned and we ate whilst catching up on our days. He was talking about a wealthy guy who came into his work and asked him about how old his children were, which Chris found amusing and a little awkward, he had it pegged to looking a bit older than he actually is. I grinned, it's true, he does look it and certainly acts it. He mentioned how 26 is the age to start getting on with all that sort of thing (he learnt very recently that one of his close work friends' fiancé is expecting,) and instead of letting him finish like I should have done, I said 'Ah I know, and I know that you're not there yet,' and I looked away.
'Oh no, I mean, I feel as though I'm ready now, completely. It's just financially I'm not there yet.' I smiled and agreed. 'If I were to win the lottery tomorrow I would have a baby right now!' he exclaimed. I mean, we don't do the lottery so it's a silly thing to say but then I knew exactly what he meant and it made me feel so, so happy to hear that he feels we're in that place. Of course we're not ready moneywise, but I worry for when we will ever be really ready in that respect.
I told him how it made me happy to hear this, and he added how he'd like to make a start on all of that after we have our own property. I said that I wanted to do it all in the right order too, but it all felt so far away.
'I do want to have a little woofs with you, and a lil you,' and he pulled me close to him. Although I have sensed it from him, he's never actually said it before which I understand as being a significant thing - its quiet the statement, especially for a guy. I suppose ladies know fairly early on what they want in that regard, I've always known I've wanted to be a mum one day, to lots of children! I know he's very family orientated too, but we've never really spoken about it properly.
Somehow, this conversation has ruled a line under some of the things that happened in the past that I've found difficult to let go of. I suppose back then, I was following my head over my heart and I don't regret it, I know I made the right decision at the time. But as the days go by and we get stronger, the memory is stubborn to fade, 'what if,' keeps creeping in and I still hold onto the sadness. I always will, but I know that to move forward I need to forgive myself for that. For the first time in a year, I took my silver band off which I've never removed. And it actually feels...fine. This is a step forward for me.
There was a bit of me that thought the whole experience could have put him off all of it, but the past conversations we've had have been some of the most grown up I've ever had and I feel that we really are on the same page.
I feel very happy, because, I want to start a family with love being the main bond and driving force - not circumstances. Of course, I want everything to tally up properly but, for a while I hoped for the surprise positive so I could kick things off quickly, but really I know that its so important that its something that is discussed first, between us both. It's not something I should decide on my own, that's not the sort of person I am. It would affect both of our lives, not just mine.
So, i'm going to try and not be as selfish about it all. I can stop obsessing and worrying, finally I know where we stand and I can make rough plans in my mind for the future. He knows about my 'timeline' something which I've always been anxious to discuss.
Of course, life throws all sorts of curve balls and one never knows what's around the corner. But I hope this will help calm me down a bit and I can actually start to focus on other things!
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