Fluctuating emotions

My emotions have fluctuated a lot today. This morning I awoke feeling tired, heavy and downbeat. This feeling remained throughout most of the morning, where I was endured a lecture about pension plans and I felt my mood drop even lower. After I had let the information sink in, I found myself finding the whole thing almost amusing. Jumbled in with all the percentage stats and investment facts, the bar charts and the bullet point lists, 'trust the government will keep it this way,' and 'it's up to government to keep the rates here' etc, I just found myself laughing inside, I don't know who to trust anymore! the sad reality is I just can't seem to think that far ahead for myself yet. I know it's very important and wise to do so, however I just think it a bit silly at the moment. Retiring at 68, probably more like 70! That's if I make it to that, and I find myself surrounded by suited professionals swanning around on set for an early retirement, an easy life, I just...feel at a bit of a loss.

I know nothing is lost by considering these things and to have an understanding of how it all works is a good thing to know, I guess I'm thankful for that. And then as I left to catch some fresh air and a walk around the block in the sun, I found myself smiling and forgetting all about it. Us little humans can plan and plan all we like, but we don't know what the future holds in store for us. Sure, its good to be prepared, but a comet could hit the face of the earth and it's goodnight to all the equity plans and investment funds, I mean, what's significant about figures and decimal points in the internet space, nobody would know if it were there or not if were all to end. But artwork, music, architecture, people - these are tangible, they have timelines, they can be traced to names and dates. 

I am worried about my future. I am always thinking about what I want to be doing and am I doing what I should be doing to get to that place. Always. But then the little voice inside my head tells me that whatever happens, it'll all be okay, why not just rent a little place by the sea and paint all day long? I could always just jack it all in, I mean, how wonderful a thought, what a fantasy!

But then if I want to get on the property ladder I need a predictable income, and if I want to start a family, I also need this, if I want to go on holidays and see the world, I need to have money! So, that's how things stand at the moment.

 

No news on another interview, so sadly that didn't come to anything, but hey it's good to put myself out there and get back in the game. I need to keep hunting, because my mind is slowly starting to cloud over, I come home with an attitude I never used to have and I don't want to get used to this - I don't want to settle. I'm too young in this working life to start thinking about staying because it's easy, I should be blasting my way through interviews and taking up opportunities left, right and centre!

Where did my pizzazz go?