Is love a 'forever' force?
A lot of deeper emotions and questions have been circling my mind as of late, I think it's the rather sudden passing of our landlady which brought it all on. Although she was very unwell, it all happened rather quickly and it just makes you realise a lot of things. We only met three times, and they were more for 'business' in a way, discussing the flat, rent payments etc. But evenso, I warmed to her, we both did, she made me fall in love with the place we're in now and she was helpful and flexible with us moving in.
Her daughters are taking over things now, so I've no doubt we're in safe hands. I wouldn't be surprised if they end up selling the place though when our tenancy is up, I hope they won't, but they probably will.
Anyway, these are selfish thoughts - whatever happens, is meant to be.
It's such an inevitable thing, that one day I will die. We all will. And life as we know it, will continue on and on. It's funny how we all ignore this fact, but the truth is every day could be the day. - These are not meant to be bleak thoughts, in fact it doesn't worry me at all. What does leave me feeling a bit confused is the what happens afterwards. I want to carry on, being me, watching the world go by, my children grow old, for never ending time...my god, at my desk, my stomach fell to the floor as I re-realised all of this! One day, there will be no more of me! Me, functioning, thinking - it's the thinking that gets me, its my consciousness - what will happen to that!?
God, this is far too much to think about on a Tuesday! Far too much indeed!
It's a scary thought but also a humbling one too. Whenever everything feels as though it's a bit too much, it's good to know that it will never be for very long. Time is an abstract concept. And the truth is, I don't know what will happen when my day comes, where my thoughts will go, but I do hope that my soul will sour upwards, to join those who I shared many happy times with on earth, where we could watch the world together and decide when it was time to give it another go.
I've decided to do a bit of a fast, for as long as feels right. I've thought about it before but couldn't do it, my body starts to go all weak, I get a headache and I snap at people. I know though that if I fight through that first day, I'll come out the other side and it gets easier. I just feel as though I need to cleanse myself a bit, I keep eating rubbish food - too much of it, I feel sluggish and tired. I know by keeping myself busy and sticking to it, I'll feel a lot better. I'm trying not to big it up too much, or tell anyone about it! Because that'll be just setting myself up to fail...
11.30 am - still so much of the day to go and my tummy won't stop creaking and making noises! Black coffee should hopefully help me keep my occupied and i'm browsing online forums for tips and advise...just take each hour as it comes!
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