Specific anxieties

I'm at such a strange point in my life at the moment. It's a time where I should be planning out all these amazing, fantastical things that everyone else seems to be doing. Instead I feel anxious I'm not doing enough yet bored by the day to day life I lead, just getting by, month by month. 
 
I went to look at a flat over the weekend and fell in love with it. It's in a really lovely area, it seems nicely kept and it's so cute. It's small but it's all we would need I'm sure. The landlady is also very humble, who takes pride in the little flat and likes to meet everyone before they move in so she knows the potential tenants first. Charming yet unusual! I decided to take a gamble and put down some money so she'd take it off the market. I'm taking Chris to view it for the first time on Wednesday after I finish work. 
I'm excited but I feel incredibly worked up by it all as well. I know moving is an unsettling thing to do whatever the scale, but it will be mighty expensive. The flat itself is not rent-wise, it's actually a bit of a bargain. However there will be a period of two months where I'll be paying double rent, and an additional deposit which will completely clean me out. 
I know ultimately, in the long run, we'll save a lot by being there and there's always a lot to pay at the start of any new contract. I just feel a little bummed those savings will just whittle away completely. 
I don't mind that it's just me, I know Chris hasn't got anything saved and he doesn't like asking for help from others. Plus, we really do need to move out from our current place. It's certainly not the worst place I've ever been, but it's also a lot of money for little reward.
Sigh. 
I wish I was a little bit closer to where I really want to be. I know you've got to start and these things take time. I am trying so hard to push the desires for babies at the back of my mind but it's difficult. It's something I know I just to accept can't happen now and try and focus on other things...

* 

 

So, I impulsively made the decision to sign up to the gym. Again! But, something had to give. Recently I've been starting to have these rather negative thoughts creep into my head, relentlessly telling me 'you're getting fat - just stop eating!' and at points I've succumbed to it. I know it's daft, I shouldn't be listening and I try to shut it all out. But when I feel change coming along, I start to grow more anxious and this usually creates a conflict in the back of my mind which affects the way I view myself. 

When I went to the gym, I didn't feel that so much. I was able to focus on doing something completely different to what I'm used to doing, shut things off and unwind. I've joined one which isn't too far from where I work, which will hopefully get me in the mind-set to go straight after work, making it a part of my routine. 

I'm actually really looking forward to it. My body responds well to exercise and at the moment, it misses being pushed physically. I just hope I can press through the anxiety of getting there and all the looks when I'm actually in there. When I get started, I'm fine. 

It's a very strange anxiety I have, very particular. It's almost like I'm nervous about it all already. Maybe it's fair to think that, I'm not sure. It's like I get my mind into this frenzy of panic, I rush around thinking that i'm not making the most of every moment. That my time/money is wasted when i'm walking from place to place...I know it doesn't matter, I know that none of it matters but somehow I can get myself very worked up by it all. 

We'll just have to see how it goes.