I just don't know what I want to do. There are too many things out there to choose from which are then dramatically narrowed down by my lack of experience/training/education. It doesn't leave much remaining. All design jobs are more competitive than ever before and pay a lot less than what I'm on now. But then I guess that's okay, if it means things will change. People do this sort of thing all the time, heck, I used to! But these days it feels more daunting. I suppose it's not just me on my own anymore, I live with someone and the rent is pair because we both earn a certain amount. There is more to lose.
The weekend was fun although it become very apparent that I'm not 18 anymore. Drinks were had, we went to a few bars and then ended up in a club. I almost felt proud of myself for taking part in a social situation all 'normal' people seem to do on a very regular basis, it did feel like a bit of an achievement. Of course when I'm there I understand why I usually just stick to bars. I like to be social, I like to think I'm a very social person. But these hyped up, noisy, loud, alcohol fuelled environments just seem to make me nervous. Drink doesn't seem to help either, I find that the nerves suddenly make me sober and anything that goes down the hatch from that point on just gives me the hiccups, or gives me a headache. It was nice to be around happy folk though, I like Chris's friends who have hopefully become mine as well.
I looked about the dingy nightclub and saw that it was all just clusters of barely 20 year olds who were all shout and no balance. They clung to each other singing along to typical, outdated songs and barged past other's to either get to the bar or toilet. Seeing all of this just made me feel parental all of a sudden. I couldn't stop my eyes searching out the desperate men spying their next young pray to stumble past, standing awkwardly next to glasses shiftily. I wanted to try and dance the night away but really I just wanted to take my heels off and get to bed. Which is what eventually happened.
I've still been talking to Paul, and I find I want his messages to appear on my phone, I shouldn't encourage this. The thing is - it's not like that. I don't fancy him, I just find him interesting. All of his interests are kinda linked to mine somehow; music, comedy, composition. I don't agree with all of his opinions but he just fills a space which I find needs to be filled recently. In a strictly friendly way. I did mention to Chris that I had been speaking to him, he was fine with it. He had met him a few years back to borrow some kit to practice with, said he was a nice easy going guy but a bit weird. I mentioned that he had offered a double date to see a comedy show, and left it as that. It probably won't amount to anything but I'd like a comic companion! I just know I need to be careful, I don't to seem to keen or get too hung up on his attention. I just enjoy the getting to know someone, the charming, the banter. All things I don't really do a lot during the day. - I miss similar company (workwise.) 'I find you a magical person!' 'you're ace!' 'I actually really really like talking to you' hmmm he is a bit intense but then, we often talk about Chris 'I will give him the attention he deserves, man to man!' and talks about his girlfriend, so, I think it's all innocent and above board. I don't know why I'm talking to him though, I'm pretty sure I'll never meet him. Just, find i'm looking for someone to talk to I guess...how sad.
So on Wednesday I have an appointment with a councillor.
No comments:
Post a Comment