Buying time

Thursday at last. We are making gradual progress through the week. 

 

Today I found myself intrigued by a fellow passenger who stood opposite me on the tube this morning. As I got on board she was already there, her head down and her eyes were closed. I couldn't help but watch her, to see if she ever opened them to look about, but she didn't at any point. She wore grey and black, her hair looked damaged at the roots and her face was sullen. Although I wasn't getting a happy, positive vibe from her at all, I still admired her. I just wanted to step into her shoes for the day, see what she had in store. 

I always used to daydream about that idea when I was a lot younger, waking up in the mornings to find that you were in another persons body, have to play the day out trying to be as much like this stranger as you possibly could. It seems daft, but is it completely impossible? Yes, I suppose it is. 

I have tomorrow off, Chris booked his 'driving experience' day on Friday and it's first thing in the morning. I'm looking forward to it, I hope he is as well. It's another one of those things that has crept up quickly. I'm not sure what we will do with the rest of the day, maybe go to Oxford and have a look around. 

On the Saturday I'm actually going to go and look at a potential flat for us to move into in August. It is a bit premature, but during these slower days I've been trying to scout some places out. It will be exciting to move again, and it'll be to another area I've not lived before. It may give me the motivation to progress the change onto other things in my life which I really need to do.

We're looking for places that are still commutable but less money than what we're paying at the moment, hopefully we can start saving and making plans for bigger things. Who knows. I'm not sure if this place will be 'it' but when we looked at the advert together we both felt positive about it.

 

Sigh. I feel a bit guilty, I was meant to go to the doctors yesterday but came up with an excuse and asked to reschedule it. I am hoping that she'll forget to ask me for a date to rebook and I can just eventually fall off the radar. I'm not sure what stopped me really. There is an element of it interfering with work, I am conscious that people may think that I'm making up excuses or something (irrational of course,) but it's mostly that...I just don't think it's the path I want to go down. I know I'm being stupid - it's my health, I need to put these things first, work will understand (they have to,) and I need to see the course through til the end. I wasn't expecting any progress right away, why do I feel disheartened by it?

Because I feel like it's all just trying to create a resolution to these issues when it isn't one. It's clear that anxiety runs high through my bloodstream but it doesn't interfere with my ability to work, so there isn't really any urgency.

My brother suggested I go back to the doctors and ask for some sort of diagnosis, as it helped him feel better knowing he had a label, he found it comforting. I think I'd feel the same too...but I guess I won't know until I'm there facing them and the questionnaires.

I think I need to talk to someone about my deeper issues, and I know these sessions aren't going to talk about them. I will be hiding yet again, in a place where it's encouraged to be open and honest.

Sigh, it's all so complex and deep routed. I know most of these issues hark back to childhood, where I still carry around a lot of guilt and haunting memories. The fear of making my mum upset or letting her down, is pretty much what it is. The fact that I went through something so emotionally draining and not tell her about it, I feel so guilty for that too. I've not had any females to talk to about it, those who are considered close would have no idea at all, or those who do would be against my decision, or tell me they'd do the opposite. It's something that happened and I did what was best at the time, I know that, it wasn't me being selfish, it was me trying to think ahead. But because things are different now, I have a stable job, stable relationship etc, I look at it all and realise that it would have been okay had I gone through with it. I almost wish I was in the position again, I worry that that is the only way to help ease my pain.

It'll be years though i'm sure, for me to still carry this around with me, until that day comes. I'll just have to keep soldiering on.