This is now

I'm dreaming about days that might not even become real. 

I've been doing that a lot recently, thinking things, dreaming things, planning things that aren't actually there. Only now do I feel that my body has fully recovered from the hell I put it through last month, all the tireless worry. I'm glad I went through it alone as I would look pretty stupid. I feel it though. 

It's just, I feel all over the place and I need to anchor myself to something. Work is rubbish, at least I'm getting paid I know but soon I know I need to leave, I feel as though my wings are clipped. I feel confined, restricted, unable to breath and grow. I need to climb on board another ladder of uncertainty and hope that it will guide me towards the positive light. I'm going to squeeze what I can out of it for the next couple of months, then press on and look for something else.

 

I'm starting to turn the wheels in getting some artwork printed up. I need to have a creative outlet somewhere otherwise I'll forget...well, what it is I'm even meant to be doing here. Lately, a thought strikes me daily. It is loud, clear, cutting. It resounds; You only live once - I am only 'me' once. - I can't be feeling this boredom, this resentment to my current situation when i'm still considered young and supposedly in my element. I can't fade away. When I die, I want to be remembered for something. I don't want fame, or masses of money, just something that people can pinpoint and say 'oh yes, she created these things,' or, 'oh he raised those beautiful little ones,' I know it's heavy and too much to think about, but at the end of day; I was born into this frame of time on this planet, and it'll be taken away from me as quickly as when I was put down here. I can't be looking back at images of me, sitting, dreaming...and that's exactly what i'm doing right now. Instead of planning or generating creative ideas, I'm sitting quietly at my desk, pouring over images of romantic weddings in beautiful surroundings, thinking about all the things I would do. It's not fair to anyone involved...