Nordic laurel

Soon enough, the truth started to come from within me as I told dad about the state I'd apparently found myself in recently. It wasn't easy though, I felt a bit weak and feeble. He doesn't make me feel silly for saying of course but knowing him and the way he is and how he deals with his issues and stresses, makes me feel I ought to be more like him. Find my own coping mechanisms. 

I find that by doing this, typing or writing out my thoughts and feelings can really help a lot, but only for a short while. It's almost like a small burst before I go to bed which allows me to sleep, but then I awake with a whole load of new anxiety. I am curious about what Wednesday will bring, if anything. I felt glad to tell dad what was happening, he's interested and wants to find out how it all goes which of course I will share with him. I hope there will be something worth sharing of course, there are a lot of what ifs. Maybe I'll try and break some of it down. 

What do I want to get out of the process? 

Well, the feelings, thoughts, worries I feel are all self-assessed. They could be incorrect, I'm not sure. But I do know that these things that go on in my mind on an almost daily basis are very emotionally draining, and it isn't really considered 'normal.' 

I don't feel it interferes with me making friends, how they view me or me getting a job etc. But I do feel it prevents me from fully enjoying myself, relaxing, generally feeling calm and at peace. I feel that I carry around a lot of excess stress, worry, and above all, guilt. None of this is directly linked to a particular event specifically, I mean there are things which do still cross my mind often. But I am able to see past it, even if it's still a little cloudy. I suppose ultimately I know that I was trying to do the right thing at the time. There are other things that happened earlier in my adult youth which I knowingly did wrong, and these things I still don't really forgive myself for. 

It's all very complicated. And I guess what I hope is that by talking it through with someone will help untangle it somehow. This has spanned for many years so I feel twelve sessions might not cover it, but who knows, maybe some interesting ideas are brought up that really help relieve some of this...whatever it is. 

It's weird because I almost feel guilty for saying it. I just feel so small and insignificant, why should I even be getting stressed or worked up about anything?

I just want everything to be okay for everyone and for everyone to be happy. 

* 

Just gave mum a call after a text she sent about my aunt who's gone into hospital. Although it didn't surprise me, I still made me feel sad and I just need to ring her. 

Sombering.

My mum is strong and I suppose it's something that isn't surprising anymore but it doesn't make it easier...