Intoxicated by herself

It's been a strange few days recently, I realise that it has been a while since I've had a few days off work, I'm not very used to be feeling below par. Trying to get my head back into the usual routine has felt a bit difficult and my body weaker than usual, I still don't feel 100% but then I don't really know what's happened to me. 

After going to the doctors and taking the medicines I thought I was starting to feel better but then it got worse. I imagine it'll take me a few days until I feel completely back to normal, I've got some intense work days ahead of me though which will be exciting but also rather intense. 

 

Not sure where I'm trying to go with all of this, I feel as though all I I've been doing is moan lately. 

 

I just don't feel as though I'm myself. I know I have the odd day here and there where I need to snap back into my usual self, but I can't remember the last time it went on for this long. And what's irritating is that I know it's happening as well, I can feel myself tense up, talk too quickly, eyes darting all over the place. I tell myself to chill out, breath deeply, but I can't seem to get my head around it. I've cried more during the past week than I have all of last year, hysterical tears which bring on shakes and that feeling of wanting to be sick. Maybe it's a combination of lots of things all in one go, combined with recent stresses finally catching up with me. I like to think that nobody else can tell I'm going through all of this, but what if they can. I don't want people to be worried about me, or grow distant from me. 

 

I had a nice day yesterday, though. I saw Ellie in the morning for tea and catch up chats and in the afternoon I saw my brother, who came over for games and some dinner. We also ended up going bowling, which was lots of fun. It was great to see him and it's also nice to hear about everything he's being doing and how well he seems. He was telling me how much better he generally felt in himself, something he'd be wanting for a long time. The tablets he seems to be taking seem to be helping him lots, he said that they don't seem affect him in any way, other than how he reacts to things that usually stress him out. He found that they've helped him deal with things and process things better. I felt so glad for him, and also a little envious. I shared with him what I've been going through recently and he suggested I chase up the online application I made last week, call them, get things underway - I shouldn't go ignoring it any longer.

So today at lunchtime, I decided to call the place to see if I could touch base and see if they had received my emails. Eventually when I did get through, I spoke to a nice lady who told me that I had been registered and that I should receive a phonecall from a lady in the next couple of days. I was glad to hear this information. 

So I suppose now I will wait and see if I do hear from her. I am curious, I've never done anything like this before. I am also a little worried; what if it doesn't work, what if they have the wrong idea about me, what if I can't get the time off work to organise appointments, what if they don't listen to me, what will I even say!? It's not like something recently happened to me, this has been something ongoing before I was even a teenager. Just some weeks it's worse than others...

I just feel lost, confused, just generally emotional right now. Everything that was buried deep down within me is now so close to the surface and any snag in my skin seems to bring it all forth in tears and nightmares.

I want to talk to someone about these things, but in comparison to other peoples lives, it just feels so insignificant and small. I mean, what are these 'problems' anyway? It frustrates me that I can't seem to vocalise it, it's all...chaos within I supoose.

 

But then, what do I expect from talking to someone about these things? What do I want to happen?