Will this be my reality?

It's a bright, sunny day today. Outside looks so refreshing and inviting. It is quiet at work today. These are only a few of my boring realisations, I have many more but I'll try and refrain. Just felt the need to create another post, even though everything is the same as it was before. 

I still feel tired from the weekend, but it's the happy sort of tired. Not the sort you have after a rubbish nights sleep, but the kind where you remember the memories and it all seems worth it. I wish I was back in Cornwall again, it was a fleeting visit but I felt so free.

Back to London again and I feel the constraints of working again, the typical week just seems to be endless and my passion for, well, anything dwindles. Things should busy up soon though, which will keep me preoccupied.

 

I find myself thinking about pregnancy once again. It so frequently bothers me, I know I have to do everything I can not to think about it because it doesn't make time go any fast, I won't know for sure for another 2 weeks. My gut still tells me that I am, but I don't know why I believe it. I'm starting to wander if i'm convincing my own body to produce the signals, just to keep me worrying. The thing is, ever since I thought I was, I've started to become slightly less concerned as I warm to the idea of keeping it. I don't know why I say 'warm' because it is soon chased by the notion of fear, a broken household where I'm back living with my parents, another typical Essex girl as I scrape whatever I can to get by...then I go cold. So much of my future feels pinned on what he says, how he reacts. I like to think he wouldn't leave me, but he could. There is nothing stopping him from doing this. It will be hard, whatever happens. Are we ready to be tested either way? Of course by the end of the month I could find that none of this is actually real and he'd be none the wiser. As much as I might be relieved, I would also feel disappointed. I feel I'm ready...

I try to stop looking on the forums, but I can't help it. Would I really put myself through all of this if I didn't think I was?