I feel as though I'm all over the place lately. The weekend is just over far too soon. Monday mornings are such a downer these days, I don't ever remember them being this bad before.
I feel as though I am in a tough (but not unusual,) spot where I am bored where I am workwise and yet I can't really afford to jump ship when trying to focus on saving money. Looking for something, applying, going through all the motions of that again is such a tedious and thankless task...but then if that magical new job comes through it suddenly all feels worth it. Maybe I should just apply for something and see what happens, just start that ball rolling. But what? The thing is, once I've committed to searching for something new then that's all I can think about. It is as though looking for something new makes me loose complete attachment to what I currently have, looking simply isn't enough and I become agitated that an opportunity doesn't come through quickly enough. I guess it helps keep me motivated.
Sigh. It's the same old story. At least here I know everyone, I know this street, the transportations and most importantly, my jon role. But, it's just so samey and easy. It is rarely challenging, there aren't many opportunities for me to progress at all and the week feels as though it just drags on by. I almost miss those work related feelings of pressure and stress.
I have also been feeling tremendously broody recently. Whenever me and Chris are intimate I want to tell him how I want to just go for it, but I know it would be foolish. Although I make little comments here and there, and he smiles and goes along with it, he doesn't really know how I feel about it and although I know he wants to one day, I know he's not ready now. I know this. I keep telling myself it. But it doesn't make my feelings fade away somehow. I guess its that time where my brain is telling me that this is what i'm programmed to feel, I've just got to try and ignore it as best as I can. It's annoying, it really is. I want to get on with everything and accept that I'm a little bit behind my school friends, and yet it still keeps nagging away at the back of mind which only reminds me of last summer. - A memory I'd much rather forget about entirely. Sigh.
But being bored at work only makes me focus on these things more, I scroll pintrest looking at wedding dresses and browse houses in areas I've never been to outside of London. It makes me wonder; 'which life is it that I really want?' Do I want to be the stay at home mum who cooks, cleans, tends to her husband and her house or do I want to be the dream-catcher, adventure-driven girl who jumps from job to job as she endlessly decides her fateful career? I shrug and go with the 'something inbetween option' but then money stops me from perusing anything adventurous. I also feel as though either of these options could result in me loosing Chris and the wonderful relationship we have now.
I love him so much. It is a strong, deep and often childish love I never thought I would ever experience which helps me feel safe and grounded. I really don't think I could picture myself with anyone else and when I observe his movements and mannerisms I envisage him in a fatherly light which only makes me want to progress things even more. Why the rush, I keep asking myself, I just don't know. It could leave me trapped, sad, alone, poor and lonely. He could leave me. Or he could stay with me but hate me for forcing him into a life he isn't ready for...it just feels like such a lose lose situation. A situation I know that could be solved with communication I am sure. But I worry I'll frighten him. But then, would I blame him? I am frightened myself. Frightened that I'm not where I should be in this precious life I have, not living it to the full. Aren't we all worried about that though? Every time I open up my phone I'm just reminded of a life I haven't got; it's either oozing with luxury or it's married, family set-up, both bring me down. I know which one would make me happier. Maybe I should talk to mum about it.
Really, I know what I need to do. I need to wait. And if I'm not happy with an specific area of my life, I need to change it. If that's a new job, then I need to sort my CV out and get searching. I know the perfect thing won't just fall into my lap, it'll take a lot of time and effort but even by doing that along would be better than nothing at all. If I want to look at the bigger picture, maybe I should find the right time to bring these things up with Chris. Soon I know we'll be thinking about renewing our current tenancy, maybe then. Maybe before, who knows...
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