Goodness me. It's like my mind is absolutely obsessed with it, I just can't seem to think about anything else. I'm frightened. Frightened because, I think I know my body well enough to know these feelings I'm experiencing are pointing towards something I've had before, and remember well. If I am correct, it means I will be faced by an utterly life changing decision and what I'm frightened about most is that I want to keep it. Already I seem to have made up my mind.
All this over thinking isn't helping matters I know and is only magnifying any changes my body might naturally be going through, I wish I could pack it in but it's just always on the backburner.
I want to tell Chris, I want to ask him questions, want to get a feel, some sort of preparation for how he might react...but there would be no good in worrying without absolutely knowing for sure. So, it's just the waiting. And with this waiting, my anxiety is only going to get worse and worse. So, unburden today's train of thought already and see if I feel any better as a result...
First of all, you've found yourself here because of your own doing. You know that. All this worry, panic, contemplation etc is all because of actions you made. This has to mean that a very big part of you must want this to happen because in the past when there have been scares, you've taken steps to prevent things. But not this time. Not forgetting this is your second time, so you'll be faced once again with all the anguish of before all over again. It is confusing as to why you've put yourself right back here again. Is it because you regret the decision you made before?
You need to consider what is really important to you in your life. What do you want now, and in the future? this is a big deal. You know family is important to you and it's a strong desire of yours to have one. Okay so loads of your high school friends have had sons and daughters, they seem happy and together - but is this right for you? It seems fitting for you, but what about your career?
I have always maintained that work comes first for me, but in recent years I realise that work doesn't really make me feel happy. I know I am still young, but what I have seen of the industries I studied in have been unpleasant, arrogant and just not me at all. I have had chances to go into it again but it doesn't call me anymore. As I have got older, I consider it less and less important, because I can be as creative as I like in my free time. I would be happy working at a shop, store, bar, anything to help give me a bit of money but also my freedom.
Really, my main concern is about Chris and his future and career. I am happy to follow what he wants to do, I truly mean that. But this could potentially put no end of pressure on him, force him to decide. I know he wants children, we talk about rather often, but we haven't brought it up specifically, especially with our timeline and where it'll fit in. I just don't want him to feel like 'oh god, that's it now, my life is over.'
For the first time in my life I feel so committed to him. I have never felt so sure about anything in my life - I only want to be with him, nothing would make me feel happier than to concentrate on a future with him - he is all I see.
I would go on some sort of maternity leave and try and sell what I could on Etsy. We'd have to find a new place to live, to rent. Where would we go? How would I be able to manage it financially? I would have to find another job, but I wouldn't want them to be in childcare, that would be my responsibility. We couldn't possibly live off one salary?
It all looks impossible, but I know in my heart we would make great parents...if he stayed with me of course, he might realise it's all too much and want out. It would be devastating. Then it would all be up to me to make ends meet. But I would if I had to, I would do it.
God...it's such a big decision, and one I really do feel as though I'll be up against come the end of this month. I know now I've just got to assume that no, i'm not, and just get on with each day and hope the right thing will happen.
But if I am...how am I going to tell him? I'm trying to think back to last time but it was all such an emotional blur. I know he listened as was understanding, I know he said he wanted space, a garden etc for them...there were many tears throughout.
My gut tells me that he wouldn't leave me if I told him I was keeping it, because I just believe that his morals are too strong. But, would he secretly hate me for being put in the decision? Would he ever want to sleep with me again? Or would he actually be excited by the idea?
I will never know and won't ever be able to predict what he says, it would be unfair to judge either way. He's a strong individual and I know he would do everything he could to keep a level head. It will have to be something we talk about if the situation is to occur...
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