Resenting the monotony

Working in this city maybe 3 years now is possibly too long. I feel myself turning into someone I don't like very much.

I can't believe i'm about the embark on yet another week. I'm starting to resent the monotony, though did I ever crave it? I think I did at an uncertain time of my life, now though everything feels dull and draining. Surely life isn't meant to feel like this so early on in the game. 

I looked back at a few pictures of myself from a year or two ago and I just seem to look so well. My skin is glowing, my eyes seem bright and I just generally look healthy and happy. Perhaps entries of that time reflect different truths but either way, whatever I was going through was doing wonders to my general vibrancy. (The gruelling gym sessions, the lack of eating, the different dates every other day, just the general not knowing whether you're coming or going type of vibe, - that's what was doing it for you? Listen to yourself...) or maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. Things are far better now, but because things are a little more straight forward in some aspects, I'm able to ponder and question.

A couple of weeks ago having something to obsess over kept my mind occupied - too occupied. I felt it all hang in the balance and as much as it was scary, it gave me a bit of a buzz as well. Because whatever were to happen, i'd have direction. It's twisted, but if I'm actually being honest with myself, maybe that's what I was clinging onto.

 

So, try to start obsessing over something else in that case. I'm going to try and save everywhere I can, try and walk to and from work where I can, and try and cut out the chocolate. I just find too much comfort in it and it's got to stop. Not only is it expensive for what it is, it also doesn't make me feel very well and it doesn't make me feel any happier...