Everywhere I look, on every device, where my eyes land, oh why are these days going so slowly? My thoughts change so rapidly from being nearly excited to nearly being on the brink of tears in a state of panic. I can't let myself be excited for something that isn't even real yet. Something so life changing, not only to mine, but to many of my nearest and dearest. Most importantly, Chris. I have the feeling that, I'm sure if I persisted enough, if I truly shared what I'm battling through, my rough, all over the place plan, he might stick by me. But I think he'd feel from that point on, that his life would be so different. I really don't want him to resent me for it...god, I am such a mess of worry.
The thing is, if I truly am faced with this again I need to understand the gravity of the situation. This will be a very big deal. I've been thinking about it a heck of a lot.
I really doubt I can put myself through abortion again. It was a time I long to forget, but still can't. I don't want to have to wait, experiencing my body changing day by day for something that's not going to be mine...at first I went in not knowing what to expect but now I know full well. It would break me. I can't shake the vision of when I looked down and saw it, a clump of uncoloured matter but I knew what it was and it was then I knew what I was loosing. Words failed me then and they can't bring me anywhere close now, the weight I feel on my soul. This was a silent war I was trying to control all by myself, I did it because I did what was right at the time. Now, I can't say the same. I genuinely feel as though we could do this. And more importantly, I want to do try. We have built a home for ourselves, we have confided so much more faith and trust in each other I couldn't have said the same for 7 months ago.
He could leave me. We might fight, we might cry, I might try to reason but ultimately, he might want nothing more to do with me. Hate me for ruining his future. It would be harsh - it would be devastating. Do I really feel he would do that? my heart says no, but who knows in the moment of raw emotions, it could be it. Then I'd be alone. Is this something I would do on my own?
There's something about motherhood that sings to me and it always has. It's not a recent change, I feel it's a big part of me as a person. Sometimes I doubt in this life what the future has in store for mankind, but I realise that it would be a very sad thing if that unknown certainty put me off the idea of bringing someone into the world. All you can do is try and educate them in doing the best they can, with the same attitudes as me and hope it'll be better than the worrying forecasts of late...
Of course two days from now, I might find myself in the typical monthly occurrence. Would I be relieved, or upset?
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