I've spent the day today at dads and it's just been so wonderful to escape my thoughts for a while and laugh at his anecdotes.
Tears well in my eyes, I'm not sure why really. I just feel nervous. Nervous because I think I am, and I don't know how to tell him. Now I'm back in my single seat on this quiet carriage on the train, the sterile cool lights reflecting face in the window, I see the situation I'm presented with clearly and I can see the insides of my eyes are aching.
Of course I won't know for sure until I do the test. But these signs my body is telling me, I just can't ignore them and I wish I could. Do I really have what it takes to supply a decent upbringing for a child? Will everyone be disappointed in my decision, whatever I decide to do? Where will we live, that's if he still wants to be with me...
The thing is, I know people leave when they're unhappy and I don't believe Chris is now. But maybe after this news he might be. It is unfair to think this without hearing him out first, and he may well react negatively, he may want some space to think - I need to make sure I give him that. What if he wants me to get rid of it? My goodness, all the questions.
Right. I can't get worked up about a situation that isn't definite at the moment. I need to get that straight first. Then face it if it happens. We both pride ourselves on our ability in communicating our feelings, so this is something I need to tell him sooner rather than later. I need to be calm, give him all the facts and then tell him how I feel about it, what I want to do. Then tell him we don't need to decide right away but have a bit of time to think it over, it's a big deal and it's no good rushing into these things.
- I'm not sure how this happened, but I feel awful that I am largely to blame. We are careful, but we both know it's never 100%. If I didn't feel confident in dealing with the consequences, I should have sorted out my birth control.
- that I am so frightened. Frightened of loosing what we have, frightened for the future and frightened for the next few moments because I might not be able to find the right words.
- this is something we did not plan. But now we're here again and I weigh up our options, I feel as though I can't go through the abortion process again. It was one of the worst times of my life, and although I don't regret the decision then, there isn't a day that goes by where it doesn't haunt me. It's a secret that will never leave me.
- I know we don't have much money, but we do have love. And I think as long as we have that, everything will fall into place as it should...I hope...
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